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Clippings...

Hellooooo 69!

So, I reached 69 "followers"! Hi guys!

If we haven't chatted, do drop into the comments thread and say hello back...

Response to Fur Sissy

Fur Sissy very kindly responded in detail to my posts on femdom relationships. Since he posted in the public comments, I think it's OK for me to use a full post to respond:

....While the breakdown of engaged and disengaged works on a fairly observational level of D/s interactions, the conflict caused by attempting to shift between positions has a few assumptions already made about the style of relationship. Namely, it seems to encompass either a relationship that began vanilla and evolved towards D/s undertones either willingly or unwillingly, a relationship that began vanilla and became D/s through pressure from the male, or a relationship with a foundation in D/s but without full agreement by one involved party.

The assumption is that relationship is primarily vanilla, and that the male sub is driving the femdom action by acting as "local guide". The lady top is open to play, but wouldn't identify as a fetishist, and has thought about it a lot less than her male partner. She may also be insecure or provisional in her role.

In your post "Getting the femdom action and trappings and still being "authentic"" you made the statement "The best way to experience your femdom fantasy is to find a spot where your darkside overlaps hers." and I agree 100% with this statement. In the BDSM scene this is generally a necessity for a fulfilling long-term romantic relationship to develop and you will find parties that consider the overlap first and foremost when evaluating partners. The courting process is much more difficult for submissive men seeking dominant women than any other demographic in the BDSM realm.

No shit!

However, I don't think its quite as bad as it could be. Our darksides reflect aspects of our light side personalities – there's this thing called Shop Window theory – so if you are really emotionally compatible with somebody, then there's a good chance of a lot of overlap. Hence my idea of the "Shadow Relationship".

I do think that many pre-negotiated D/s relationships end up in the "only one fully willing participant" scenario since men are usually the ones forced to compromise the most in these situations and they are likely to be placed in situations that stray far from their primary fetish fantasies.

Yes. Or at least a man's fantasies are likely to be more diverse than he can find reflected in any one woman. Also, a particular fetish may be a turn-off for the partner, even though the dynamic behind it is not an issue, e.g. she may be very happy to punish him, but not by forcing him to crossdress.

However, if both individuals have a nearly perfect fetish overlap, there are situations that can steer clear of said conflicts, unless the nature of those conflicts is also part of the overlap, e.g. a man who has a fetish for her withholding pleasurable situations from him. I can also foresee situations that will behave the same simply by having an extremely strict Mistress.

A very useful point! Some fetishes can be a by-product of lots of different types of relationship. If it's the "witholding" you enjoy, you can get that from almost any of the intimacy dynamics: EE & ED - she enjoys your frustration, DE & DD – she is completely indifferent to your frustration.

....Women are generally more likely to be honest with themselves about their own sexual desires (which is why they are less likely to develop "fetishes" in their most scientific definition). They are also often more willing to explore and initiate "kinky" sexual content. It does strike me as odd that even with this in mind there are so few Dominant Women out there but at the same time, I think that upbringing and societal norms have a bit to do with that. There's tons of women who are aggressive tops in the bedroom, but very few that classify themselves as Dommes.

I think your last sentence hits at the answer; sexually active women can do pretty much what they want. If they enjoy tease and denial, then they become appalling flirts. If they enjoy topping in the bedroom, they just take control of the drooling and grateful male. If they want to lie back and be served, they don't even have to ask. The experimentation fits into this context.

All this is very exciting for the participants, but not necessarily sustainable in a healthy long term relationship. The kind of BDSM I'm talking about is in part an attempt to create a reservation for all this bad female behaviour so it can continue to flourish in the shadows.

Going back to the other themes of these posts... a wild card comes to mind when it comes to D/s relationships. That wild card is "true love." True love describes situations where a party is a willing participant in activities they do not enjoy simply out of love for the other (this could be performed by either role). These situations can often steer clear of the conflicts you described.

I would theorise that "true love" always involves a lot of overlap in the darkside. There are still hazards if she is less familiar with the fetish world than he is. Also, both parties tend to be willing to play slightly more scripted roles – nothing wrong with that, it's just that I'm talking about how to establish spontaneous play.

In terms of pre-negotiated relationships, a lot of the potential source of conflicts can probably be traced towards the background of the Domme. If she is active in the BDSM scene she will likely have a very different view of things compared to a hardcore female supremacist. The BDSM scene Domme is much more likely to dole out enjoyable fetish interactions in a "fair" manner whereas the female supremacist is more likely to disregard his desires.

I can't pretend to speak with any direct knowledge of the fetish scene. I suspect that my intimacy map still applies, but that the waters are muddied by an extra layer of negotiation and tradeoffs.

However, I think part of what you're talking about relates to coping strategies. The female supremacist and the fantasist both have different and incompatible justifications for BDSM.

In regards to my own experiences I have been in 4 D/s relationships, 3 of which were pre-negotiated and the fourth was instigated by the Domme after beginning as a vanilla relationship. Each was a bit different, the first really flowing along with true love and non-fetish personality conflicts leading to its breakdown. One simply failed to connect deeply on both a fetish and personal level. One connected nearly perfectly on a fetish level but failed on a personal level. My current relationship has a partial overlap in fetishes and several personality conflicts. Overall our true conflicts rarely arose from lack of overlap in the fetish department but those relationships also weren't bound by marriage, legal bondage, etc.

Thanks for sharing this. These all seem to fit the pattern...

Chastity Planet: The toy boy

She bought me presents, slipped me money, and I trailed after her around the shops, then later went to work with tongue and fingertip. Inside its cup, my lost penis went wild.

I am - was - a Free Neuter. We can come and go as we please, and even hold down a job. However, everybody assumes we're always in a horny daze, so mostly we get positions requiring eye candy only; receptionist, waiter, that kind of thing. The wages are poor, but the tips are good.

If you're lucky, you can pick up a rich "girlfriend", and that's what I did.

It went OK at first. She's was older than me, and not my type. But as the weeks turned to months, as her orgasms piled up, and mine receded into memory, I started wanting her.

Tonight was supposed to be our last night together. I had a flight in the morning.

What went wrong?

After I licked her off, I pleaded; "Let me use the prosthetic!"

She laughed. "What kind of girl do you think I am? You're leaving forever. "

So I gave myself to her. Extended my contract by another frustrating year and made myself her slave.

"That's sweet," she said. "Wake me when its time for the restaurant." And with that she drifted off to sleep.

Getting the femdom action and trappings and still being "authentic"

The best way to experience your femdom fantasy is to find a spot where your darkside overlaps hers. You're both acting spontaneously without a script, enjoying your roles for their own sake. Anything that happens is authentic, because it's what you'd both do if your roles were real. The relationship is a shadow one, but still an actual relationship.

The problem is, how do you get all the other stuff? The props, the clothes, the words, the punishments...?

Some of these aren't trivial. Perhaps they're what the fantasy is really about for you, or perhaps they're part of your way of coping with the inherent contradictions of asking another person to treat you evilly. You can't just discard them. However, anything that smacks of scripts or shopping lists bumps one or both of you out of role.

Some femdom intimacy dynamics lend themselves to all this. If she's engaged with you (EE and ED), then she wants to get into your head. Corsets and bondage follow naturally from this.

It's harder if she's disengaged (DE, DD). She's not supposed to care about what you're thinking or feeling, so why, e.g., should she dress in a certain way, or punish you more than is "necessary"?

Since it's the hardest, I'm going to take the Disengaged-Disengaged dynamic as an example.

She doesn't care what you think, just what you do. You're not expected to second guess her or try to get inside her head. You can just "relax" and follow instructions. Typically, you are slave and owner. Let's take that further and drop you into the world of Whips and Stockingtops – femdom flappers and chaste male slaves.

Think about the components of the W&ST fantasy that go beyond the power relationship and "DD" intimacy dynamic:
World: Clothes, attitude and the other trappings

If she's not wearing stockings, it's not Whips and Stockingtops! Other retro gear helps, as long as it's comfortable; silky slips and glamorous nightwear. A male chastity device is also mandatory. Any music should be classical or pre-war Jazz.

All this stuff is part of the fantasy world, but none of it follows from the power or intimacy dynamics. Your girlfriend might dress to please you, but your owner doesn't dress to please her slave. His penis is irrelevant, so why bother to cage it? (Similarly, your fantasy mistress might be a feast of leather and PVC, all hard to get into and not always comfortable.)

The only way to approach this is from the outside, as a prerequisite for crossing the border into the darkside. It's simply what people wear. The same goes for any etiquette or attitude.

Prioritise. Don't ask for too much at one go. Start with whatever's easiest and simplest for her. There's a good chance she'll find dressing up empowering or escapist – but you have to let her discover that for herself.

Drama: Action generated by testing or affirming the intimacy dynamic

Drama is the stuff of fantasy and erotic fiction. However, it's hard to get right in play.

Testing
If you start groaning because you're turned on, she'll beat you and tell you to shut up. This little drama plays out because you've tried to force her to engage with you, dragging the intimacy dynamic up into ED (see illustration). Inadvertently or not, you've "tested" her.

Testing is best done spontaneously, in role. There may be moments when you are bored or turned on or in some other unbearable state and you end up testing the boundaries – especially true if, unlike me, you are contrary or bratty.

There are, however, problems with testing. First and foremost, testing the intimacy dynamic also means testing the power dynamic. She may be sceptical of your ability to follow through with your fantasy, unsure of her power, or teetering on the brink of self consciousness. Or she may envisage her power as total, and find challenges to it irritating to the point where they bump her out of her role and back to lightside reality.

Secondly, when you test the intimacy dynamic, you may take her places that are not on her darkside map. Perhaps she can only treat you as a slave as long as she doesn't engage with you.

So, go carefully with testing. Treat her power over you as real. If you feel the need to consciously create drama, do so with care and sensitivity. Be aware of the difference between darkside anger and lightside irritation...

Affirmation
Sometimes she may violate the dynamic by teasing you until you're drooling and dripping, then setting you back to work. She's "affirmed" her position. (This is different from the teasing and denial you get in EE and ED since she's only interested in luring you out enough to push you back in.)

It's probably best to go along with any affirmation she initiates– try not to ham it up!

If it takes you to uncomfortable places, tell her much much later.

The one thing you have to watch out for is her dropping into scripted behaviour borrowed from some femdom stereotype or other. Later on, tell her that she really doesn't have to play act for you – you don't want a service top, you want a genuine mistress.


Punishment: Action resulting from the femdom relationship

She's the mistress, you're the slave. From time to time, she'll have good reason to punish you physically, or by humiliation or verbal abuse. In theory, this should be simple as long as you've agreed the mechanics, the limits and the safety – of course. However, it's more complicated than it seems.

NB: In a DD dynamic like W&ST, punishment should involve as little effort for her as possible. A demerit system or clicker counter can enable her to postpone punishment until it suits her.

Routine
You spill the wine, she makes you clear it up then beats you.

If this doesn't seem to be working, wait until later and explain that though punishment is a gratifying part of your fantasy, it's something you instinctively fear and avoid; she really can improve your servile performance by punishing you. Get her to treat all mistakes on your part in role, in return you promise never to deliberately seek punishment.

The big snag with this one is that you probably very rarely make mistakes. Increased strictness on her part can only go so far.

Sought (Don't do this!)
You deliberately trigger punishment by making mistakes. It seems like a great idea in theory. In practice it has two disadvantages. She may dislike being manipulated and fall out of role. Worse, every mistake you make will seem deliberate. If you wreck her carpet, she'll think you did it in the hope of getting a beating! End of femdom relationship...

Set up
If you're very lucky, she may enjoy setting you up to fail so she can then beat you. Enjoy!

Procedural
Punishments resulting from the rules of your particular darkside world. For example, it may be good slave keeping practice to prevent you getting uppity by beating you immediately after – or before – you've given oral service. In other words, you're trading lickings for beatings.

This is probably the best way to ensure that your sessions include some punishment. Make the rules as consistent with your roles as possible. Avoid straying into scripting. Accept that sometimes, she won't bother....


Summing up

"You can go to the ball!"

You can enjoy your fantasy action and trappings – within reason – in an authentic femdom shadow relationship, not by scripting, but by agreeing the culture and rules of your shared world.

Chayste at the wedding

It was one of those Scottish weddings where the girls kick off their elegant shoes and dance barefoot. Nobody asked me about my marriage prospects – the alien red gem growing out of my palm saw to that.

I don't know what's more embarrassing; when the thing's unlit, indicating that you've been a good boy and supplied lots of orgone energy for those little green men, or glowing hot-coal red, screaming out to the world that you've got no sex drive and that the crystal and groin-cup are about to drop off and fasten on some other poor sucker.

Actually, I do have a sex drive. However, up to that night, I'd been living like a monk – a Buddhist monk – doing yoga, meditating, working on maths puzzles... anything to take my mind of sex, to keep that chastity device loose around my lost penis.

I was doing so well, I could read at night by the light of the complaining gemstone. Another few days and I would get my genitals back.

But, when an old flame invites you to her wedding, it's hard to say no. And, what could go wrong? A load of old wrinklies prancing around in tartan?

Younger than me, just starting college. Long hair, bare feet and legs, and a stretchy black dress that clung to her hourglass figure as if it had been drawn on by a cartoonist.

There was no way I couldn't notice her, but I kept to the dances where you swapped partner with each verse, so between moments whirling her around on my arm and trying not to look at those smooth, curvy legs, I was spinning other people's grannies.

But then came the lady's choice and she pranced up to me and – with a sweet smile - offered her arm. As we danced, her breasts were always there, jostling my elbow, crushed into my chest, or just jouncing as she kicked and stepped and my chastity belt throbbed in time, not to the music, but to her flesh.

Somewhere, a flying saucer was feeding off my frustration, and then gem in my palm glowed slightly less.

We danced every dance until, around midnight, somebody called last orders at the bar. She beckoned me off through a side door. I followed, mesmerised by the swing of her hips, through the panelled corridors of the hotel, up a staircase lined with hunting pictures, and into her room.

I checked at the threshold, but she just stuck her tongue down my throat and shoved the door shut. Holding the kiss, she all but sucked me over to the bed.


Did she know I was chayste? Had she seen the gem?


She flopped back and a gentle shove pushed my head between her knees. Without a word, she swung those bare legs over my shoulders and parted her thighs so that the stretchy dress furled up onto her hips.


Yes. She knew.


There were no panties under there, just a forest of curls and wet lips. Penis prickling with the effort to fight its way erect, I dove between her soft thighs and licked like dog. Her clitoris rose beneath my tongue and I lapped faster and faster.

As the salty juices collected on my tongue, her thighs clamped against my ears and she began to pant.

Between my legs, a wet pressure built up as if could share her orgasm.

And then she pushed me away and wriggled up the bed.

I stood and my head whirled – all the blood was in my groin – and I scrabbled for something to say.

"You can go now," she said, her voice sweet and Scottish, and pulled up a pillow.

She didn't even look at me as I left the room, her taste still on my lips. If she had, she'd have seen the damp patch appear on my hired formal trousers.

As I walked out into the night, her only words to me echoed through my mind: "You can go now."

With each step into the darkness, the hardness in my groin returned, and the telltale gem glowed less faintly.

The Chastity Belt: Olivia

So, some of you would rather fancy ending up as Olivia's chaste lover.

Very much posh totty meets angry little rich girl, she wants to be wanted by men, but hates them for using her. In the Chastity Belt story, she sets out to make Mark's life a misery by prostituting him to her friends.

In a relationship, I think she'd be different. With you locked into a chastity belt, there'd be no chance of you using her, so she'd have nothing to get angry about. Instead, she'd open up and show her vulnerable side.

Expect lots of wild sex using the prosthetic, with cuddles afterwards.... her sweaty, dozy, body draped over yours while you lie there, your chastity belt throbbing like a second heart.

Maybe, once in a while, she turns on you. Even with the chastity belt, you're just another man, so she treats you with contempt, slaps you, beats you with the nearest object to hand, or even humiliates you in front of her friends. Later, she's tearfully sorry and you have awesome makeup sex, and that little edge of fear ensures that you never quite forget how beautiful and unattainable she is....

BDSM Intimacy Dynamics

Finding her Dark Side

Most girls don't wake up at [the age of consent where you are], and say, "Gosh! I want to dominate a man."

Sorry.

Young women in general are just not wired to be quite as geeky over sex as men, and those with high sex drives tend to spend their time having sex with cool older guys, rather than thinking about it – it really isn't fair, is it?

If they are aware of BDSM, it's often in a vague way as something hookers do to satisfy drooling middle-aged perverts, or else it's an exotic realm populated by superhuman vixens and weak males.

However, everybody has their issues, so it follows that everybody has their darkside, it's just that she probably hasn't explored hers yet.

Proceed with caution. The darkside is a nasty, evil place were we enjoy immoral solutions to the problems of being an adult and having adult relationships. Most people are ashamed or afraid of what's there.

There's also a moral issue. Don't do a bait and switch, don't form a vanilla relationship because you are enticed only by her darkside, or because her fucked up lightside resembles the darkside you are looking for.

The good news is that – at least according to the Shop Window theory – if you have a genuine lightside relationship, there's a good chance you have matching darksides and can – cautiously – develop a BDSM shadow relationship to run in parallel with your equally rewarding everyday one.

But, I'll talk more about all this in another post. Right now let's think about mapping her darkside.

GLIMPSES INTO THE DARKNESS

Think of your partner's darkside as a parallel world where the rules are set up to have the kind of relationship that works around her issues. Since you're only interested in identifying her preferred darkside relationship, you don't need to turn yourself into her shrink – which would probably be unethical or damaging anyway. Instead, look for ways in which she'd like to take a "break", or make a "breakout".

What to look for: Break or Breakout?

It's a stereotype, but it is probably true that if in the light of day she is controlling and bossy, there's a good chance she yearns get what she wants without having to ask for it in detail. Similarly, a flirt who is always seeking male approval might yearn to switch off her charms. In their darkside, each of them gets to take a "break".

On the other hand, perhaps the bossyboots really wishes she could be in charge without all this crap about people's feelings. And, suppose the flirt enjoys flirting more than fucking. The darkside enables both to stage a "breakout", busting through normal morality.

You can usually tell the difference between the two by looking for the pain. If some aspect of her personality seems driven, or doesn't really make her happy, then she might want a break from it. On the other hand, if she gets frustrated when her instincts and personality collide with the real world, then you might be looking at a breakout.

When to look...

Adults usually manage to get by in the world and in relationships. By the time we're in our 20s, if not before, we accept other people are real, and that dealing with their personalities, expectations and demands is part of being human.

So, don't expect the part-time dominatrix of your dreams to stomp through her real life snarling orders – she's grown out of that, and you probably wouldn't respect her if she hadn't. (Any relationship would probably be exploitative on your side.)

However, there are times she'll revert to her earlier self, or wander into the darkside:

• When she's being silly or playful.
• When she's tired, drunk or sad,
• In bed in subtle or unsubtle ways
• When you've been going out long enough for her to take you for granted
• In the media she consumes
• The way she reacts to your fantasies, and if course in her fantasies – for god's sake don't analyse these to her.

How to tell

Observe, hypothesise, test. Repeat!

Things may not mean the same thing to her as to you. Going to a fancy dress party as dominatrix may just be thrilling because it's naughty. Instances of frustration may be caused be her PMS, or you acting like a dick. Not all anger comes from the darkside!

So, when you think you've caught her taking a break, or breaking out, work out what rule this might imply. Later, weave it into a fantasy or a bedroom sex game, note her reaction and modify accordingly. (If you're not sharing fantasies, then it's time to start.)

MAPPING HER DARKSIDE

Sometimes the rules and the darkside relationship seem to arrive at one go. For example, if she makes you wear speedos in bed, it's tempting to think that it's time to invest in a chastity belt. However, to deduce her darkside relationship, you have to look at what kind of relationship it creates. Perhaps it's as simple as; she likes to control the sex. "He wears a chastity belt" might be a good rule. But, "She's in charge" would do equally well.

Since the rules shape her preferred darkside relationship, then it is the relationship you need to map. This depends on her intimacy stances.

PRIMARY STANCES

You Her	Engaged	Disengaged
Engaged	"It's all about our special connection..."	"Stop fussing and let me get on with it."
Disengaged	"I don't care what you feel – you should know what I'm feeling."	"You tell me what you want, and I'll tell you want I want."

EE: "It's all about our connection..."

She's very comfortable with mutuality, but sometimes you catch her getting it on her terms. Perhaps she secretly likes to take charge of her friendships, or likes to control her relationships. Or maybe she likes sex on her terms. Does she like to make you earn access to her body? Pay for pleasure with amusing discomfort? Tease you until you squirm? Or are penises not allowed?

Possible relationships include: Dom\Sub, Keyholder\Locked, Virgin\Chayste

ED: "Stop fussing and let me get on with it."

She's one of those people who wishes friends and lovers would stop trying to second guess her feelings. "What do you want from me? I'm here, aren't I?" In bed, she might be quite the technician – she probably gives a great hand job – but she sometimes forgets to tell you whether she's come or not, and likes to take responsibility for her own orgasm.

Possible relationships include: Sadist\Masochist, Tease\ Victim

DE: "I don't care what you feel – you should know what I'm feeling."

Deep down, she wants to trundle through life while people fuss around her. In bed, she sometimes likes to lie back and let you please her as best you can. Afterwards she'll smile benignly while you come to orgasm, though do nothing much to help.

Possible relationships include: Goddess\Worshipper, Voyeur\Exhibitionist

DD: "You tell me what you want, and I'll tell you want I want."

She's probably quite assertive, and expects the same from her friends. She can probably do nuances and empathy, but finds it frustrating and time consuming. In bed, she's often turns technician and expects the same from you. You probably find you take turns a lot.

Possible relationships include: Owner\Slave

ADDITIONAL STANCES

People usually have additional stances. Usually these complete a column or row. For example, if she's DE & DD, then anything goes as long as she doesn't have to engage with your feelings.

Sometimes – just to make things confusing - she's avoiding a particular square. For example, ED & DE & DD, is really best written NOT EE – she'll do anything to avoid the awkward business of mutuality.

And then, there are probably women who enjoy wandering through all the intimacy stances, while maintaining one or more rules, e.g. she's in charge, or you're in a chastity belt.

NOW WHAT?

The idea is to evolve an authentic shadow relationship through cycles of fantasy and experimentation. But that belongs to another blog entry....

BDSM: It's all about the intimacy

In developing a BDSM relationship, I've come to suspect that kink is mostly about controlling or stealing intimacy.

Think about it....

To a young person contemplating their first sexual relationship, true intimacy is terrifying. It involves making yourself vulnerable by acknowledging how the other person affects you, and being responsible for your effect on them. This in turn requires that you surrender control and embark on the stressful business of negotiation. And somewhere in there, the intimacy has a price: performing certain physical acts about which you may be deeply ambivalent, or which require hard work.

BDSM fantasies, and ultimately games and relationships, are a way of taking a holiday from all this...

Intimacy Dynamic: Engaged/Disengaged

Ask yourself whether – in your fantasy – each of you are engaged or disengaged with the other person's needs and feelings.

By "engaged", I mean actively seeking a particular emotional response and, through empathy and second-guessing, anticipating the lover's needs (though not necessarily supplying them...). Healthy lovers are mutually engaged, each knowing if and how to touch, and what romantic surprises to spring and when.

Sometimes we can never get enough engagement from our lovers, and we yearn to demand it with menaces, or contrive to be the centre of attention. To become the focus of our the other person's world, we sometimes want to go further and have permission to "disengage" from them – to hand back responsibility for their immediate responses and feelings.

However, being engaged with can be wearing. In a nasty short circuit, there's pressure to be happy so the other person can be happy. Sometimes it's just nice to have the private mental space to enjoy an experience, or concentrate on engaging with your lover. Also, since nobody can always get it right, it can be a relief for both of you if she can just tell you what to do.

When visiting these fantasies with a lover, it's important to get the intimacy dynamic right. If she wants you to shut up and let her do your thing, then you'd better do just that.

Stealing intimacy: workarounds the price

Normal intimacy requires a price... e.g.: penetrative sex; the need to be mutually naked; shared responsibility for both the relationship and for its domestic finances; and the need to be attractive and to value the other person or lose them.

BDSM fantasies enable couples to steal intimacy by working around these prices. For example, self-proclaimed loser small-dicked cuckold chaste sissy husbands are probably evading the pressure to compete in the masculinity stakes and their wives – when they really exist – probably enjoy the sense of security from having an apparently worthless husband who can't wander.

In play, it's important to make a distinction between different kinds of workaround.

Relationship workarounds can be demanding or irritating for the other person, and deeply disturbing if that seems to be what you want 24/7 in real life; it's one thing to have a compliant slave in the bedroom and around the house for a weekend, entirely another to lose your life partner and companion and end up entirely responsible for everything in the relationship.

Sexual workarounds ones have no significance beyond the bedroom and can be fun for all concerned, or have so little effect on the other person that they can be included in a session with no tradeoffs. For example, it doesn't really matter whether I wear a chastity device or not; I'm still a slave who's not going to get his rocks off. The main thing is not to burden her in any way with my workaround.

Whatever they are, the workarounds are what give particular BDSM fantasies their individuality. This means that they need to be used with precision and sensitivity.

The Four Dynamics of BDSM Fantasies

So, with two possibilities for each player, we get:

You Her	Engaged	Disengaged
Engaged	Dom\Sub Keyholder\Locked Virgin\Chayste Furries Unequal companions	Sadist\Masochist Tease\ Victim
Disengaged	Goddess\Worshipper	Owner\Slave Voyeur\Exhibitionist

Engaged\Engaged

This square is the true home of the workarounds.

Typically, she manages the intimacy, so she avoids being vulnerable and he avoids feeling responsible. The intimacy itself usually entails her tormenting and testing him, and him trying to prove please her.

However, in some fetish only pairings, e.g. Virgin\Chayste or Furries, there's no real power exchange. The couple manage to have a vanilla-like sexual relationship, just without a penis, or dressed as animals...

Disengaged\Engaged

You steal intimacy from her. She in turn manages to express herself sexually, without feeling responsible for your feelings.

Engaged\Disengaged

She extracts intimacy from you, without giving it back. Her actions – torturing or teasing – might suggest deeper motivations, but each is designed to produce a response from you. You in turn, get to just express yourself without feeling responsible for her feelings.

Disengaged\Disengaged

Possibly the darkest place. She tells you what she wants, and you supply it and no more. You both get to have relationship without coming out of your shells. My favourite.

Navigating the Four Dynamics

Fantasies with more than one dynamic

You've probably noticed that your particular fantasy, or your typical session, belongs in more than one of these boxes. It may be that you're both doing anything to avoid being mutually Engaged, or that one of you always maintains the same stance. For example, sometimes she has you fuss around her anticipating her needs. Other times, you do nothing except obey orders. Whether you're Engaged or Disengaged, she's always Disengaged – and that's how you both like it!

This can make play complicated because your preferred stances may not overlap. Perhaps she's happy to be your icy owner, but not to tease or torment you. Also, watch out for sudden shifts, for example when she wants you to go from mute slave to unequal companion – don't balk!

Drama

Drama is generated by attempts to force the other to move boxes, and generally serves to affirm the main dynamic.

Sometimes you start outside the desired box, and she battles you into it, e.g. you're withdrawn and she beats you into being more open.

Sometimes one of you tests the other by trying nudge them out of the box. Perhaps you try to engage her with your feelings so that she can slap you down. Perhaps she tricks you into disengaging from her, then brings you back with a punishment.

In play, treat drama with caution. How much she enjoys it depends on her personality, how she feels on the night, and how secure she is in her control. Don't make her battle unless that's what she obviously wants. If you test her, do it with caution and watch out for irritation. Perhaps she just wants to relax into her role.

Finally, drama can feel artificial and destroy the sense of immersion in another world. This can be totally disastrous, or actually a good thing – sometimes being reminded that "this is just a game" gives you permission to continue.

DEVELOPING AND VISITING YOUR BDSM SHADOW RELATIONSHIPS

"Tonight, I'm your slave."

"OK... Go run my bath, and do the dishes."

"Cool."

"Shut up. (THWACK!)"

BDSM shadow relationships are eroticised versions of the dysfunctional ones we've hopefully avoided by the time we're a full adult: "shadow" because we only visit them from time to time; and "relationships" because...

• The roles, not props, determine the immediate power and possible action.
• The action is not pre-negotiated (though limits can be) and need not be purely sexual.
• The game ends when the players break role, and not before.

If you've read this far, then this is probably what you're aiming for. For my thoughts on how to get there, you'll have to wait...

Ten tips for a chaste night of passion...

For chaystes like me, there's something wonderful about spending the night in chastity after an evening of chaste lovemaking or BDSM.

Of course, there's the masochistic thrill of the moment of lock-in, and every time I'm horribly turned on and realise that – yes, really – I won't be able to come tonight.

It's also nice to relax into the role knowing that there'll be no awkward anticlimax at the end of the evening, and that there's no vanilla pressure on either of you to unlock.

Most of all, though, it's a way of fully entering the chayste existence. If your chastity fantasies are about being chaste, rather than the keyholder power relationship, then their most natural expression is to be locked in with no immediate prospect of release.

Unfortunately, there are usually two snags: fitting the adventure into your mostly vanilla relationship; and overcoming the practical problems of sleeping in a chastity device.

5 RELATIONSHIP TIPS

Most women aren't actually obsessively kinky fetishists. Sorry.

Sure, they'll often have fun indulging our kinks because they like being sex goddesses, because being transgressive gives them a kick, or – best of all – because our kinks offer a natural expression for their vanilla sexuality. For example, if she enjoys flirting and sexual teasing, then a man in a chastity belt makes a great target. If she likes being pampered, then a slave or submissive lover could make her evening.

For these reasons, it's often quite easy to get a girlfriend or partner to play kinky games—but only up to a point. Games that are more trouble than they're worth, or violate her sense of self, or that threaten some unwanted relationship transformation, turn her off and make her look at you with suspicion.

So, unless you're with a true fetishist, if you want to spend the night in chastity, you have to approach your playmate sensitively and realistically....

1. Just an enhancement, not an extension into the night: If you haven't already done so, introduce chastity play first.
   
   If you already have chastity or BDSM play going, then make it clear that this is just icing on the cake, not a whole new dish, or a meal going on into the night for which she'll have to stay awake.
   
   Given the kinky blinkers most male fetishists wear, your partner probably half-suspects that this is the thin edge of the wedge.
   
   State your lack of expectations, and stick to them!
   
   
2. Benefits for her (and not your fantasy mistress): Give realistic reasons why she might enjoy, or at least be unaffected, by your chastity adventure.
   
   Unless she's a natural domme, most of these benefits are likely to be vanilla... perhaps there's a point in her hormone cycle when she enjoys stimulation, but not penetration... maybe after a massage and a really good seeing to, she's too sleepy to be interested in sex anyway... and if she wants penetration, a strap-on could supply that, with the possibility of variations in size and no more or less staying power than she wants.
   
   Make sure that any kinky benefits relate to her enjoyment of the evening session, not the rest of the night (when she will want to be asleep!). Perhaps it'll be fun playing with you knowing that you really won't be getting off, or maybe she enjoys teasing you. Maybe, up to this point, your play sessions have always had awkward endings because of your need to get off, and this is the fix...
   
   Except for the last point, don't suggest anything kinky which she hasn't already stated she enjoys. For example, it may be obvious to you that she enjoys being "mean", but she may not be comfortable admitting this!

3. Explicitly take responsibility: Give her the opportunity to enjoy your chastity, without fussing with the mechanics of your chastity device.
   
   Be able to truthfully say that you have all the practical problems ironed out ahead of time (see Practical Tips, below).
   
   Agree to leave the bed if your tossing and turning disturbs her. If possible, put the key out of reach (see Practical Tips #4) rather than turn her into a keyholder.... unless she insists on being one.
   
   State clearly that this is your fantasy and that if it doesn't work out, then that will be your problem, not hers.
   
   
4. Back to normal afterwards: If you've done your job properly, she's probably still sexually sated and therefore not in the mood to think about sex or kink. Unless she requests otherwise, in the morning, act normal, regardless of whether or not you are out of the belt.
   
   Unless she wants to discuss it, tell her "last night was brilliant" and leave it at that for now – this is not the time to give her any feedback, or plan marathons.
   
   If not, let her initiate any action, and don't rush back into kink space unless prompted by her.
   
   Be matter-of-fact but discrete about the practical aftermath. Clean the device and any toys, and put them away without making a fuss. If you have welts or chafing, pretend to ignore them around her.

5 PRACTICAL TIPS

Humans can adapt to all sorts of discomfort, but not right away, and not overnight! It's also true that with a BDSM fantasy, you're probably after a very particular sort of discomfort. If something practical goes wrong, it'll spoil your chastity adventure and possibly put her off the whole thing...

1. Snag thoroughly: Mild pinching and chafing won't feel nearly so "mild" after more than eight hours locked in.
   
   
2. Dry run: If possible, try sleeping on your own locked in, or at least wear the device for 6-8 hours during the day. That way, you'll be able to spot and fix any problems before the big night, and have some idea about how to get comfortable.
   
   Most importantly, make sure you can consistently answer the call of nature without making a mess or filling your chastity cup with piss!
   
   
3. Contingency plan: Have a way of concealing your locked up state should the outside world intrude, e.g. boxer shorts and loose trousers.
   
   Also, in extremis, know how you'd get out of the belt.
   
   
4. Put the key out of reach: The idea is to adjust to overnight chastity, not to spend eight hours revisiting the decision. Even if you have the willpower, your partner may start feeling guilty.
   
   So, put the key where you can't get at it until the morning. I use the timelock software, but you might want to leave the keys in your car, or the office, or post them to yourself.
   
   
5. Normal routine: Don't gild the lily! On the night, wear your usual pyjamas, have the usual supper or nightcap, go through the usual routine.
   
   The only thing that should be different is that you've got a chastity device around your cock.
   
   The other stuff can come later.

Above all else, be realistic!

If you remember that it takes more than a sex toy to change the way our bodies and our minds operate, then there's a good chance that even a very vanilla partner will enjoy her part in your fantasy...

Life with Moira...

I notice somebody opted for life with Moira; the kinkiest of all the choices.

What's it like?
Moira, sweet Highland redhead that she is, doesn't really relate emotionally to men, so expect her to get her kicks at the local lesbian club. Sometimes she'll bring dates home, and the kinkier ones won't mind if you watch.

She has a good reason for keeping you around, though. It's handy to have somebody to look after the house and, though she's not interested in teasing or giving pleasure, or in the psychological aspects of femdom, Moira does like causing pain.

Every so often, she stakes you out and drips hot wax on your chest while she has you lick her off. Other times she'll put clothes pegs on your nipples and masturbate - not as a tease - but because she likes the sounds you make.

Do you get to come?
Yes, any time you ask, she ties you to the bed and use a prostrate massager. The down side is that she then beats you, and you don't have that cushion of arousal to hide behind...

Why do you stay?
The fear keeps you on edge, making every moment with her intense. There's something about her that keeps your chastity belt tight.

Rare Sketch from the world of Whips and Stockingtops

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Femdom Artists site

Followed a link in comments and found this site. In amongst the usual fetish images are some more vanilla-looking dommes (of which more later).

Felicity...?

Apart from the hair colour, a certain British songstress would make a very good Felicity....

Moira....?

via fireycrotch

Interesting post...

Her's Forever has an interesting post on what you fantasise about, or do, before an orgasm, and what you're actually prepared to do afterwards.

Of course, in a chastity belt, you don't get an orgasm to tip you back to vanilla normality, so I for one find it hard to remove the thing once I'm in...

However, I wonder whether this is the acid test for the difference between a kink and an alternate self?

Who would play Felicity...?

I can see at least on other person would go for Felicity. I always imagined her looking a bit like this...

Plump, but not obese. Self-confident (at least on the outside) and definitely English "posh totty".

Here voluptuous shape is so unfashionable, I don't think there's a modern actress or pop star who could play her.

Even so, the world is full of women and girls who actually look like this.

Who would you cast in the movie...?

Is this Cassandra? (New Poll)

I found this lady courtesy of Johnny's Vintage Archives. She's the spitting image of how I imagine Cassandra... or at least how I imagine the 1930s model who resembles Cassandra.

It made me think about the girls I invented. They pretty much covered all the types, and - to be honest - even now, they're all a turn on.

But, which of them would you choose if you were stuck in a chastity belt?

Me? They're all intelligent and attractive. However, Moira scares me. I'd stay clear of her. Cassandra's too dark, too bleak, even without the kink. That leaves Felicity, all giggles and warmth since the chastity belt banishes her one insecurity.

What about you...?