Saturday, August 28, 2010

BDSM Intimacy Dynamics

2 comments:

George said...

Hi...You seem to be quite well versed on the subject matter covered in your blog so I was hoping that you wouldn't mind if I asked a question that's been on my mind for quite a few years now.

The question has two parts:

First, in your opinion or estimation, what percentage of the adult male poulation do you think either is in a BDSM type relationship or would honestly want to be...similarly what percentage of the adult female population is in one or would like to be?

The second part of my question peratins to the age of the population referred to above...Do you think as people get older that they are more likely to be interested in a BDSM relationship? This could be because they no longer feel the social pressures to surpress these desires and are at an age where they can give in to what they've wanted to do for a significant part if their lives.

Thanks and I'd really be interested in hearing your thoughts on these questions.

George

Giles English said...

I don't have the statistics - not sure anybody has. Ask on fetlife.com.

My guess, for femdom only, based on people I know, and what the online sex shops sell, is that BDSM bedroom games are common enough to be "normal". Say 5% of couples regularly tie eachother up, or enjoy variations on spanking and teasing. Probably 10-20% have tried it or do it from time to time.

Regarding relationships: Couples with a shadow BDSM relationship of the kind I describe, that is consistent BDSM roles that could and sometimes do apply outside the bedroom, perhaps less than 1%.

Full on 24/7 e.g. chastity or WLM/FLR - I think they are vanishingly small. However, about 5% of relationships seem to have similar dynamics, but without the kink. This is never going to be normal, because it's not on the whole what women want.

As for age: I think those of us who are kinky start out with kinky thoughts even before puberty. As we get older, we refine them, and also realise we can live them our.

As for women: I think it's rare for women to kick off any sort of femdom relationship, and that single women yearning for a BDSM relationship are vanishingly rare. Strongly sexual active young women are generally too busy having sex to think about it, and - if they enjoy power play, can do it in reality without going to the trouble of dressing up.

I also think that very few women indeed want to be in charge in a relationship. Biology simply works against this; wimpy men aren't a turn on for most women. Also, being in charge means taking all the responsibility and going to a lot of effort, and being lonely. Most women - most people - just want a warm, eqal relationship based on desire and companionship.

However, the good news is that since most people have issues over relationships, most women are probably capable of enjoying - liking - a BDSM shadow relationship of the kind I blog about.

So, my advice to a single male femdom wannabe would be work on myself and my relationship skills, and worry about the bdsm later...

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