Monday, August 23, 2010

Ten tips for a chaste night of passion...

For chaystes like me, there's something wonderful about spending the night in chastity after an evening of chaste lovemaking or BDSM.

Of course, there's the masochistic thrill of the moment of lock-in, and every time I'm horribly turned on and realise that – yes, really – I won't be able to come tonight.

It's also nice to relax into the role knowing that there'll be no awkward anticlimax at the end of the evening, and that there's no vanilla pressure on either of you to unlock.

Most of all, though, it's a way of fully entering the chayste existence. If your chastity fantasies are about being chaste, rather than the keyholder power relationship, then their most natural expression is to be locked in with no immediate prospect of release.

Unfortunately, there are usually two snags: fitting the adventure into your mostly vanilla relationship; and overcoming the practical problems of sleeping in a chastity device.


Most women aren't actually obsessively kinky fetishists. Sorry.

Sure, they'll often have fun indulging our kinks because they like being sex goddesses, because being transgressive gives them a kick, or – best of all – because our kinks offer a natural expression for their vanilla sexuality. For example, if she enjoys flirting and sexual teasing, then a man in a chastity belt makes a great target. If she likes being pampered, then a slave or submissive lover could make her evening.

For these reasons, it's often quite easy to get a girlfriend or partner to play kinky games—but only up to a point. Games that are more trouble than they're worth, or violate her sense of self, or that threaten some unwanted relationship transformation, turn her off and make her look at you with suspicion.

So, unless you're with a true fetishist, if you want to spend the night in chastity, you have to approach your playmate sensitively and realistically....

  1. Just an enhancement, not an extension into the night: If you haven't already done so, introduce chastity play first.

    If you already have chastity or BDSM play going, then make it clear that this is just icing on the cake, not a whole new dish, or a meal going on into the night for which she'll have to stay awake.

    Given the kinky blinkers most male fetishists wear, your partner probably half-suspects that this is the thin edge of the wedge.

    State your lack of expectations, and stick to them!

  2. Benefits for her (and not your fantasy mistress): Give realistic reasons why she might enjoy, or at least be unaffected, by your chastity adventure.

    Unless she's a natural domme, most of these benefits are likely to be vanilla... perhaps there's a point in her hormone cycle when she enjoys stimulation, but not penetration... maybe after a massage and a really good seeing to, she's too sleepy to be interested in sex anyway... and if she wants penetration, a strap-on could supply that, with the possibility of variations in size and no more or less staying power than she wants.

    Make sure that any kinky benefits relate to her enjoyment of the evening session, not the rest of the night (when she will want to be asleep!). Perhaps it'll be fun playing with you knowing that you really won't be getting off, or maybe she enjoys teasing you. Maybe, up to this point, your play sessions have always had awkward endings because of your need to get off, and this is the fix...

    Except for the last point, don't suggest anything kinky which she hasn't already stated she enjoys. For example, it may be obvious to you that she enjoys being "mean", but she may not be comfortable admitting this!

  1. Explicitly take responsibility: Give her the opportunity to enjoy your chastity, without fussing with the mechanics of your chastity device.

    Be able to truthfully say that you have all the practical problems ironed out ahead of time (see Practical Tips, below).

    Agree to leave the bed if your tossing and turning disturbs her. If possible, put the key out of reach (see Practical Tips #4) rather than turn her into a keyholder.... unless she insists on being one.

    State clearly that this is your fantasy and that if it doesn't work out, then that will be your problem, not hers.

  2. Back to normal afterwards: If you've done your job properly, she's probably still sexually sated and therefore not in the mood to think about sex or kink. Unless she requests otherwise, in the morning, act normal, regardless of whether or not you are out of the belt.

    Unless she wants to discuss it, tell her "last night was brilliant" and leave it at that for now – this is not the time to give her any feedback, or plan marathons.

    If not, let her initiate any action, and don't rush back into kink space unless prompted by her.

    Be matter-of-fact but discrete about the practical aftermath. Clean the device and any toys, and put them away without making a fuss. If you have welts or chafing, pretend to ignore them around her.


Humans can adapt to all sorts of discomfort, but not right away, and not overnight! It's also true that with a BDSM fantasy, you're probably after a very particular sort of discomfort. If something practical goes wrong, it'll spoil your chastity adventure and possibly put her off the whole thing...

  1. Snag thoroughly: Mild pinching and chafing won't feel nearly so "mild" after more than eight hours locked in.

  2. Dry run: If possible, try sleeping on your own locked in, or at least wear the device for 6-8 hours during the day. That way, you'll be able to spot and fix any problems before the big night, and have some idea about how to get comfortable.

    Most importantly, make sure you can consistently answer the call of nature without making a mess or filling your chastity cup with piss!

  3. Contingency plan: Have a way of concealing your locked up state should the outside world intrude, e.g. boxer shorts and loose trousers.

    Also, in extremis, know how you'd get out of the belt.

  4. Put the key out of reach: The idea is to adjust to overnight chastity, not to spend eight hours revisiting the decision. Even if you have the willpower, your partner may start feeling guilty.

    So, put the key where you can't get at it until the morning. I use the timelock software, but you might want to leave the keys in your car, or the office, or post them to yourself.

  5. Normal routine: Don't gild the lily! On the night, wear your usual pyjamas, have the usual supper or nightcap, go through the usual routine.

    The only thing that should be different is that you've got a chastity device around your cock.

    The other stuff can come later.

Above all else, be realistic!

If you remember that it takes more than a sex toy to change the way our bodies and our minds operate, then there's a good chance that even a very vanilla partner will enjoy her part in your fantasy...


Anonymous said...

i love chastity belt

pantyworship said...

Very well said! Too often the practical logistics are dismissed in favor of the fantasy; understandable, of course, but your tips will serve folks well.

Giles English said...

Thanks pw!

Do you have anything you could add? I suppose I've drifted into trying to create a practical resource for people like me/us...