(I've introspected and researched enough to get the answers I need. Now I'm going to finish up by setting them out here, partly to see if they make sense, and partly because I wish somebody had told me this stuff when I was younger. I'm going to talk about the sub side of femdom only, since that is what I've experienced, and I'm not going to cite sources, though go ahead and comment if you want me to link to books etc.
So, here we go....)
I think most of us fantasise about femdom long before we ever seek it out, and these fantasies have roots in the time our sexuality emerged, when they simultaneously disturbed and enticed us: disturbed because we often imagined being on the receiving end of evil; enticed, so it turns out, in part because they disturbed us. It also helped that they were easy and, yes, safe.
Guess what? The primitive part of our brain can't tell the difference between real and pretend. When we see a horror film, we really do experience fear. We keep going back because, since we consciously know we're safe, we can enjoy the mental arousal triggered by the rush of fight/fly brain chemicals.
In the same way, sexual fantasies that disturb, scare or shock us also arouse us mentally. Some people get hooked just on this: transgression. It's why Internet porn addicts download more and more extreme material. They've no real interest in sex with deceased donkeys for its own sake, but the buzz gets them off, this time. (Next time, the sheep will have to watch...)
Most of us, though, just find that dark fantasies have the edge over romantic or cosy ones. Being tortured by the class bitch is so much more interesting to imagine than necking with a girl we like--
--it's also easier to imagine. Apart from a lucky - or tragic - few, most teenage boys have to wait a horrible long time before they have the experience with which to build a vanilla fantasy. Girls are just unknown territory. How would a seduction go? What would it feel like to touch her? What would she say? What would she be like naked?
In femdom fantasies, the girl often remains fully clothed. The action stays in the easy-to-imagine realm of torture and restraint - it's on TV daily, and you just have to watch Batman or the Addams Family to pick up a few props. Better yet, the intimacy is mostly that of the lash - and we've all felt pain.
It's also a safe fantasy... no, really... it's an escape from that unbearable emotional longing for love, and it doesn't set you up for a fall. Realistically, the class bitch isn't going to tie you to the school railings and torture you with crocodile clips (sorry!), but if you allow yourself to imagine that the unattainable girl in the next desk might actually kiss you... well, then you'll start obsessing about how to make it happen, and bitter experience suggests you'll only get hurt. And, if you do succeed - what if you upset her or come in your pants!?! RUN!!!
Femdom fantasies are also safe because they resolve all the mixed messages we get about women and heterosexuality:
- "Raw female sexuality is the ultimate beauty, but women's experience of sex is tangled with emotions."
- "The only appropriate sexual partner is a strong woman, but strong women don't just give into a man's lust."
- "Desire is good, but selfish gratification is bad."
- "Women can and should demand satisfaction, but a woman who does things for you may be doing it because she feels she has to. (Shame on you)."
- "Women should be assertive, but a man should dread being a bully above all else."
- "The female orgasm is all powerful, but you can never tell whether she's faking it for your sake."
So, as soon as the arrow of our hormones points at the fairer sex, we start wrapping them in protective femdom fantasies, and then we masturbate, and the brief satisfaction triggers a chemical longing for more of the same. Eventually, we train our brains to skip a link, and the evil of femdom becomes erotic...
...and it feels good. (I wouldn't change it for the world.)
Looking back, your inner slave (I'll use this as shorthand from now on) is not the Real You. It's just a refuge you built in order to cope with being a horny, inexperienced, stressed-out teenager. You probably also vanished into first person shooters for hours on end, but you didn't rush off to join the Marines, did you?
The truth is, for most of us the vanilla world has much more to offer than that of consensual full-time slavery. The parts of our brain that are not wallowing in a musky dungeon are wired for building, creating, and companioning... for earning a very broad satisfaction with our lives, for carving a place in this generation and contributing one way or another to the next. (This is a good thing, because full-time femdom women are probably thin on the ground; but I'll come to that in another post.)
However, your Inner Slave is still real and part of you - try and see how long you can ignore it for - so what do you do about it?
To be continued...