Why most healthy relationships have a potential BDSM dynamic...

As promised in an earlier post, here's why I think most healthy relationships have a potential kinky dynamic, which I fall a Shadow Relationship:

a spot where your darkside overlaps hers. You're both acting spontaneously without a script, enjoying your roles for their own sake. Anything that happens is authentic, because it's what you'd both do if your roles were real. The relationship is a shadow one, but still an actual relationship.

If Robin Skynner, author of Families and How to Survive Them, is right, then we tend to share issues with our partners. He calls this the Shop Window Theory (no googleable reference - you'll have to go and buy the book...)

In short, when courting, we tend to try to escape our issues by putting the opposite in our "shop window". For example, if I have a problem with anger, then my shop window oozes with the calm I intuit will attract a living saint.

The snag of course is that she'll also have a shop window. If it's oozing with tranquility, then perhaps she too has a problem with anger; it's like two con-artists marrying each other for money!

So, the relationship can take two broad paths: the functional, in which we both help each other deal with our anger issues; and the dysfunctional - the fucked up - where we repress each other, or boil over into mental or physical abuse, or both.

Now - be honest - much of our kink is driven by our issues, and most of the kinky action, shorn of the context of consent and the trappings of BDSM, looks pretty damn abusive (and is often mistaken as such by outsiders).

So, based on my own experience, and that of others, I have a strong suspicion that the optimal BDSM mode of your relationship is just an eroticised version of the dysfunctional relationship you could have had; the Shadow Relationship.

If that's true, if you're drawn to one BDSM role, then, potentially, she may be more than comfortable with its counterpart.

Note, however, that I'm talking about roles and relationships, here.

Things you fantasise about because they scare you, probably don't represent a viable shadow relationship, because they go against your basic nature. You wouldn't expect your partner to share your love of extreme sports either (though she might).

S&M acts and rituals on their own - floggings and spankings - don't count either. Nothing wrong with them, but they're the BDSM equivalent of a blow job.

There's also a lot of mundane crap that can get in the way. Possibly the particular form of your fantasy puts her off, or your coping strategy. However, I think it's easy to forget the other barriers to play, including self consciousness, cultural imperatives against eroticism, emotional fragility, and plain old fatigue.

And you can screw it up yourself in so many ways....

Femdom reciprocity in a nutshell

Femdom play has reciprocity as long as she enjoys using the power. If she enjoys wielding the power as well, that's a bonus. She doesn't have to care about your experience.

(If she's "service topping" - doing it for your sake - then the play is not reciprocal, but may fit into a nicely reciprocal erotic relationship where you do other things for her at other times.)

Chastity Planet - Work In Progress

(Since 60% of you seem to prefer my Chastity Planet setting, I've started on a full length erotic novel set on that world. Here's a bit from first draft of the first chapter...)

Despite the tropical heat, a shiver ran down Robin’s spine and into his chastity cup.

The doorwoman had cropped white-blond hair and a build like an athlete’s under her tight black crop top. Across her small breasts, friendly pink letters spelling out, “My name is Ute. How may I be of service?” However, the long laser scar running diagonally over her face screamed “veteran”. Ute - if that was her real name - could probably snap Robin in two without so much as breaking a sweat on her muscular limbs. And she was leering down at him.

Robin forced himself to keep climbing the steps.

The sky lit up, casting a white glare into the narrow street, illuminating the two naked men strapped to the posts holding up the entrance canopy - naked that is, except for lipstick-red collars and chastity cups.

Hard on the heels of the glare came the crackling roar of a shuttle climbing up from New Athens Space Port to one of the orbital stations.

Robin froze. The sensible thing would be to get on the next ferry. He might still be stuck in the chastity cup, but at least he had rights back at the University.

Behind him, a cab whirred to a halt. Giggling girls filed up the steps, all tanned legs and bare buttocks glimpsed under the hems of spangled mini-dresses. As they passed the captives, each tweaked a nipple or drew a backhanded stroke across a bare chest or thigh, leaving the men writhing against their bonds as if dancing to the thud-thud music leaking from the misty strobe-lit interior. Linda was somewhere in there.

Robin took mounted the next step. As he reached the top, the doors swung shut, muting the dance music.

Ute treated him to another leer. Without breaking eye contact, she reached under her leather skirt, giving him a glimpse of stringy thighs and white pubic hair, made hooking action, then held her glistening fingers in front of the face of one of the captives.

The bound man whimpered, extended his tongue, and strained to reach her digits.

She let the bound man fasten his mouth around her fingers. He sucked crazily, and fluid started to leak from the front of his chastity cup. “Free entry to neuters.”

Will shook his head.

Ute grinned, not a reassuring sight. “Don’t worry….” She reached out to the other man, pulled his nipple and twisted, setting off a frantic whimpering and writhing. “…You won’t end up like these two wimps.”

“Really?”

“These bondsmen belong to Miss Lang. She’s just getting them nice and horny so they’ll go find themselves girlfriends.”

Bondsmen. That explained the red collar and cup, unlike his mat-black set. “Why would she want to get rid of her… property?”

“The girls always end up buying their bond.” The bouncer withdrew in her hands and swung the door open. “So, are you going in? Or—” She looked him up and down. “—do you want to know what time I get off?”

Robin whimpered and fled toward the threshold.

As he passed her, she pinched his bottom.

“Hey!” he began. Then the pain set of an echo of pleasure in his captive groin. He blushed and stumbled inside. He didn’t feel neuter . Not a moment went by when he wasn’t aware of his cock and balls trapped behind the nano-plastic mask. Would dating Linda would make things better? He frowned. It was hard to think these days, except in class—even in class, surrounded by all those beautiful unfuckable girls…

And there they were, over by the bar on the raised area at the other side of the dance floor: Cordelia, bushy black hair and as tall as the Ute, but willowy rather than muscle-bound. Next to her, as if hiding in the taller girl’s shadow, the angelic blond Linda sat with hunched shoulders, flashing her front teeth like a nervous rabbit. A craggy looking man perhaps five years older than Robin was craning his neck to speak to the tall girl. He lent closer to Cordelia and touched her bare arm. She shook her head firmly, making her frizzy hair fan out, and tapped her signet ring meaningfully.

The man shrugged, and stepped back from the bar, suddenly looking small before Cordelia’s towering presence. As if nothing had happened, the tall girl resumed a conversation with the woman in the next seat.

Robin grinned. He’d heard there was nothing like the threat of a demerit to bring a man down to size. Of course, now he’d left the safety of New Athens, he was subject to the same threat.

The stud reappeared next to the bar and slid onto a bar stool next to Linda. He said something and the blond blushed to the roots of her hair. She put her hand to her mouth.

Robin set his jaw and started across the dance floor. It was hard to believe there were so many men. He didn’t know what all the collars meant, but each guy’s lower clothing would conceal a bio-plastic chastity cup. Were they all like him, going crazy with pent up lust?

And the girls were crazy - dancing like harlots, rubbing groins and backsides on with wide eyed men, dancing with kick steps that made their short skirts flap and reveal bare thighs and buttocks. This was not a place where women bothered with panties when they went out. He really had to rescue Linda.

“Robin!” A plump girl with rather too many curves escaping from a wrap-round corset blocked his path.

“Hi Julia.” He made to slide past her.

She gave him a fleshy smile. “Dance with us.”

Stacy and Cat appeared behind her, making up what Robin’s classmates called the Three Witches - not that the trio of plump girls had ever been anything but nice to him.

Robin gave an apologetic smile. “I can’t,” he said over the sound of the music. “I need to get to the bar.”

Julia pouted and the three girls crowded round, chorusing, “Dance with us!” Hips and breasts undulated against him. The sensation bypassed his brain and went straight to his chastity cup, which tightened around his penis like a vise.

The rhythm of the girls enveloped him and he swayed on the spot.

Julia wiggled in front of him. His gaze plummeted into her cleavage.

She laughed, put her hot arms around him and drew his face down to hers. Her mouth opened with a scrape of teeth against his lips and her tongue shoved its way into his mouth setting off a pressure wave that made his penis inflate and try to rear its way out of its prison.

Robin stooped and put his arms around her waist. The flesh was sticky with perspiration and as yielding as dough. His hips twitched reflectively and he grasped her ample backside and slid his own tongue past hers to taste the sweet alcohol suffusing her mouth.

A flash of blond in the corner of his eye made him pull back.

The stud was leading Linda by the hand toward the door.

Robin pushed free. “Sorry. I have to go after Linda.”

Julia scowled. “You fucking prick.” She pointed a chubby index finger at him and twisted her signet ring.

A little electric shock went through Robin’s chastity cup. A voice in his head calmly announced, “One demerit.”

His hands dropped to his groin. “You bitch!”

She slapped his face. “Let him have it girls.”

Stacy and Cat pointed their fingers.

Robin’s heart pounded. “No! Three demerits means a public whipping.”

Cat grinned. “We know.”

“We’ll come and watch,” Stacy added.

They both twisted.

The voice disembodied voice said, “Mobbing is not permitted. If you are in distress, please seek help from a police officer.”

“Ha!” said Robin. He put his hand to his smarting cheek and looked for Linda. She was gone.

He staggered back to the exit and blundered into the Ute the bouncer.

“Steady on there boy,” she said, steadying him with both shoulders. “You drunk?”

He shook his head. “Got to save a girl.”

The bouncer laughed. “What from? This is the safest girls night out in the galaxy. No cocks and all the men fitted with violence inhibitors.”

Tom’s shoulder’s slumped and his stomach seemed to fill with butterflies. She was right. There was nothing to stop Linda doing anything she wanted. This world and everything on it belonged to women.

“It’s not so bad,” said the bouncer. “Say - I'm just about to get off.” Her grip shifted to his waist, then her iron hard fingers dug into his buttocks. “Since you’re so sober, why don’t you let me buy you a drink?”

The Vanilla Dominatrix

I've always craved real female domination.

I remember, at 21, meeting a girl with ME, and being darkly excited by the thought that she'd need constant looking after. I didn't get her, but I did get a parade of mentally fragile girlfriends.

On some level I wanted my life to empty and another person's to pour in.

And, my first girlfriend - was I 16? - was a true psycho chick, lashing out with verbal and physical abuse. Even as I gradually discovered and accepted my fantasies, I still blundered around the spectrum of abusive relationships, being bossed around, verbally abused, slapped and punched.

None of all this made me very happy. A big chunk of me is not consumed by erotic darkness, and the particular darkness I did crave was never fully satisfied by fucked-up relationships... The fragile girls wanted a manly man to pwotect them, so it was like a race to the bottom. The bossy ice queens and psycho chicks were dysfunctional in the bedroom, but only in boring ways.

The take home is; you can't and shouldn't use unwitting broken people to satisfy your kinks.

Playing at femdom was never really satisfying either. Most people aren't natural actors, and even if they do get into role, it's hard not to be aware of the Russian Doll paradox - while you're ostensibly controlled by her, she's really being controlled by your fantasies. Worse, you miss the unfakable emotions, and the real edge of fear that comes from being in somebody else's power.

It took a long time - way too long - to realise the third option, what I think of as Authentic BDSM.

Just be yourselves. No play acting, no script, no expectations or shopping lists. You only have to pretend two things:

Her power is real, and it's OK for her to enjoy and exploit it.

Her power is real...
It's surprisingly easy to pretend the power is real. Most real world power we encounter isn't backed up by the immediate threat of overwhelming force. We grow up obeying teachers, professors, and bosses. Humans are naturally hierarchical. As long as you never do anything to break her authority during a session, you'll both start to believe in it.

...it's OK for her to enjoy and exploit it
Scarily, if you can establish the power, and give her permission and reassurance - without too much direction - then this naturally follows, especially because there are lots of non-kinky things for her to enjoy about being in charge.

Of course, this means you get a Vanilla Dominatrix.

Unless she's as obsessively kinky as you - statistically unlikely (Sorry!) - she won't start dressing up in uncomfortable PVC and latex. She probably won't be excited by your new chastity device, and she's unlikely to spend time devising new and cunning punishments, unless she already has a playful and mischievous bent.

What you do get is the dark thrill of really giving yourself to a real woman.

Femdom as shark cage (women are scary without the whips)

Women having a good time together are scary (left).

They don't need whips, or fetish wear. You know if you approached them, they'd mock you until you fled.

And yet, women are painfully desirable when they're splashing in a bath of shared femininity.

A woman wrapped in privacy is scary in a different way (right).

You don't know how she'll react if you interrupt her, but you can bet that the tranquility will erupt into something less pleasant.

And yet, there is something alluring about her in her unguarded moments.

Finally, a commanding, well-dressed woman is scary because she makes you seem so inadequate in comparison. You would feel like a fool approaching her.

But, my god she looks good!

What if your fears were misplaced? What if you can enter the picture without getting mauled?

Then the magic drains away. The crowd of women stop joking with each other and turn their charms on you. The sultry bookworm stops being self-contained and wants a snog. The vampy clothes horse gets her hair mussed.

One way or another, there's no place for a man in any of these pictures.

There is, however - at least in fantasy - a place for a slave....

The Glass Chastity Belt

The vacuum cleaner from Hell howled.

Julia groaned, untangled herself from the sticky sheet and sat up. She glared at the open window. The oppressively hot nights wouldn’t be so bad if it weren’t for that damn woman’s workshop waking them every morning.

“I suppose we’d better have breakfast,” she said, but found she was speaking to an empty bed.
Conrad had gone.

Julia set her jaw and mechanically set about tidying the room. She tried not to be angry, but as she tugged the sheet flat, she remembered Conrad stretched out on the bed. “I gave you an orgasm. What more do you want?”

She even had him tied up the way he liked. How long had she pumped away at his leaking penis? And for what? Half and hour of him complaining she wasn’t doing it right, then a few seconds of repulsive squirting.

She kicked Carl’s rucksack under the bed. Now there was no trace of him. Julia started to cry.
“I can’t go on like this.”

The machine stopped. Conrad’s voice drifted up from the courtyard, then Madame Etienne’s laughter. Their landlady was twice Conrad’s age, but she had a certain magnetism

“Damn.” Julia hated herself for being jealous, even as she ditched her T-shirt, and pulled on her summer dress and Birkenstocks. She glanced at herself in the mirror of the battered wardrobe. She would do for now.

She hurried out into the scalding sunshine and looked around for Conrad.

The voices came from the beyond the arched door of the converted stables – Madame Etienne’s workshop.

Julia stood in the door way and waited for her eyes to adjust to the shady interior. Conrad had his back to her. His tasty olive skin seemed to glisten slightly. His bare arms were leanly muscled. The walls of the workshop were bedecked with glass penises and all sorts of odd looking devices, including shackles. She gasped.

Madame Etienne noticed her. “Ah, Mademoiselle. You have come to see my work.”

Conrad turned. “Madame manufactures adult toys in glass.”

He had that guilty little boy look. Of course, this must be like an Aladdin’s Cave to him, and yet he knew she couldn’t share his excitement.

Julia felt herself colour. Damn him, she thought. He had no right to expect anything.

Concern flashed across Conrad’s face. “We had better have breakfast,” he said. “It’s been a pleasure Madame…”

Now Julia felt guilty. “Wait,” she said.

Madame turned to her, expectant.

Julia glanced around, looking for something, anything, she could ask about. Her gaze fell on a strange looking device, a glass girdle with a banana-shaped cage in the front. At least it didn’t look as if it were for penetrating anything. “What’s that?”

Madame raised an eyebrow. “Une ceinture de chastity pour l’homme – a man’s chastity belt.”

“For a man?” She’d read about chastity belts for ladies. But not this.

“Mais ouis!” Madame took it down off the wall. “The bullet-proof glass is comfortable, hygienic, and can pass through any metal detector. My chastity belt…” she drew herself up. “Can be worn indefinitely.”

Something fluttered in the pit of Julia’s stomach. She examined the device. The cage would fit tightly over a man’s penis keeping it pointing down, muting its unspoken demands. A deliciously icy sensation teased her spine, as if she stood on the edge of the highest diving board. She shivered, despite the heat. More than anything else in the world, she needed to take the plunge… see where this might lead.

Conrad was watching her intently, an obvious bump in the front of his shorts. He licked his lips. “Isn’t it dangerous? The glass?”

“No,” said Madame. “It is bullet proof. You can break yourself, but not it.”

“Let’s have one,” said Julia. “Don’t you think, sweetheart?”

Conrad shook his head. “Why? What good would it be?”

You fantasise about being my slave, thought Julia. But, you are the only one who ever has an orgasm.

“Because I want one,” she said. She took a deep breath and gathered up all her strength. “It turns me on.”

Conrad’s eyes widened. “Pardon?”

“It turns me on,” she said, louder. “You keep nagging me to tell you what turns me on. Well, this does.” She held handed him the chastity belt. “Turn me on. A lot. It…”

Madame Etienne grinned at her.

Now she’d said it, it was as if she couldn’t stop. Cheeks burning, Julia clamped her hand to her mouth.

Conrad stared at her. Slowly, he nodded. “OK.”

“How much is it, please?” asked Julia.

Madame grimaced. “Three thousand euros.” She shrugged.

Julia pursed her lips. She struggled to think of some way they could cobble together the money, but the more she considered their finances, the more the idea faded.

“We are students, I’m afraid,” she said and felt empty.

Madame looked from Julia to Conrad, then seemed to size him up. “And prettier than my normal middle aged clients. Suppose…” She turned back to Julia. “If I fitted him with a device, would you both pose for my catalogue?”

“I…” Conrad stammered. He hunched his shoulders. “People might recognise us.”

“None-sense,” said Madame. “Not with your faces obscured.”

Conrad turned to Julia, pleading in his eyes. “I can’t.”

Julia glanced at the device and imagined the cage wrapped around Conrad’s hungry penis. She felt a wet throb between her legs. “I’ll pose with you… naked,” she said, and realised she meant it. “Wouldn’t you like a picture of me like that?”

Conrad whimpered.

“He agrees,” said Julia.

"The Chastity Belt"

I've bumped up my prices for The Chastity Belt to reflect how many beers you owe me if you read it; the download now costs a single pint of beer, which I think is fair given that's what you'd buy me if we knew each other and I emailed you the story; and the printed book costs two pints, which is what you'd ply me with if I printed and bound it for you....

Morning in Aqua Sulis

I wake to her hot tears splashing the cold skin of my back.

"Oh you poor thing," says Cordelia. "I'm such a wicked, wicked person." She wipes her eyes with the back of her hand. "I should never have let you make love to me."

I twist in my chains and feel bare smooth bare flesh on brush my flanks. My owner kneels on the straw next to what's left of my stale bread and water, and she's naked. The cool air of my cell makes her nipples stand out.

I feel a hopeless tightness inside the chastity belt, but I don't feel any less naked than my mistress - after all these years, the steel device is part of me.

"You must be so very cold and lonely down here."

I nod and feel my own tears well up and trickle down my cheeks. I could ask her to let me return to serving her, but last time I pleaded, she extended my punishment by another month and sent her handmaidens to beat me-

-Of course, it's not really punishment.

A month ago, she let me service her with the dildo. More than that, she kissed me, clawed my back and - as I pounded into her, feeling nothing in my lost cock - I poured out my feelings, told her I loved her. She smiled back at me between her cries of orgasm...

..so, yes, we did make love, and afterwards, as I lay next to her, my chastity belt beating like a second heart, she summoned her handmaids to escort me down to the cell.

Because it was that or sell me. A Roman lady must preserve her emotional distance from her slaves.

Cordelia stoops closer and her warmth bathes my skin. "I miss you," she whispers.

With a rattle of chains, I strain up and kiss her on the lips.

Her tongue dips into my mouth. Then she pulls back, "You realise the price?"

I nod.

She turns her head, making her breasts quiver, and addresses the girl who hovers in the doorway. "Octavia - bring over the dildo and the scourge."

I flinch. "The whip?"

"Yes my love. If I lash you myself, then I don't need to keep you down here." She drops into a pouting, babying voice. "You do understand, don't you sweety?"

I nod and she slots the prosthetic penis into the front of my chastity girdle.

Morning on Chastity Planet

The bedroom stinks of animal sex - of tongue-lashed pussy juice and feminine sweat shed from sleek skin, all going stale on warm sheets.

The throb in my blank groin grows more urgent, but this is the life I signed away my penis for.

I can only stand there by the bed, coffee-tray in hand, and wait.

Vintage Scans

If you like retro erotica, don't miss Vintage Scans...

Clippings...

Hellooooo 69!

So, I reached 69 "followers"! Hi guys!

If we haven't chatted, do drop into the comments thread and say hello back...

Response to Fur Sissy

Fur Sissy very kindly responded in detail to my posts on femdom relationships. Since he posted in the public comments, I think it's OK for me to use a full post to respond:

....While the breakdown of engaged and disengaged works on a fairly observational level of D/s interactions, the conflict caused by attempting to shift between positions has a few assumptions already made about the style of relationship. Namely, it seems to encompass either a relationship that began vanilla and evolved towards D/s undertones either willingly or unwillingly, a relationship that began vanilla and became D/s through pressure from the male, or a relationship with a foundation in D/s but without full agreement by one involved party.

The assumption is that relationship is primarily vanilla, and that the male sub is driving the femdom action by acting as "local guide". The lady top is open to play, but wouldn't identify as a fetishist, and has thought about it a lot less than her male partner. She may also be insecure or provisional in her role.

In your post "Getting the femdom action and trappings and still being "authentic"" you made the statement "The best way to experience your femdom fantasy is to find a spot where your darkside overlaps hers." and I agree 100% with this statement. In the BDSM scene this is generally a necessity for a fulfilling long-term romantic relationship to develop and you will find parties that consider the overlap first and foremost when evaluating partners. The courting process is much more difficult for submissive men seeking dominant women than any other demographic in the BDSM realm.

No shit!

However, I don't think its quite as bad as it could be. Our darksides reflect aspects of our light side personalities – there's this thing called Shop Window theory – so if you are really emotionally compatible with somebody, then there's a good chance of a lot of overlap. Hence my idea of the "Shadow Relationship".

I do think that many pre-negotiated D/s relationships end up in the "only one fully willing participant" scenario since men are usually the ones forced to compromise the most in these situations and they are likely to be placed in situations that stray far from their primary fetish fantasies.

Yes. Or at least a man's fantasies are likely to be more diverse than he can find reflected in any one woman. Also, a particular fetish may be a turn-off for the partner, even though the dynamic behind it is not an issue, e.g. she may be very happy to punish him, but not by forcing him to crossdress.

However, if both individuals have a nearly perfect fetish overlap, there are situations that can steer clear of said conflicts, unless the nature of those conflicts is also part of the overlap, e.g. a man who has a fetish for her withholding pleasurable situations from him. I can also foresee situations that will behave the same simply by having an extremely strict Mistress.

A very useful point! Some fetishes can be a by-product of lots of different types of relationship. If it's the "witholding" you enjoy, you can get that from almost any of the intimacy dynamics: EE & ED - she enjoys your frustration, DE & DD – she is completely indifferent to your frustration.

....Women are generally more likely to be honest with themselves about their own sexual desires (which is why they are less likely to develop "fetishes" in their most scientific definition). They are also often more willing to explore and initiate "kinky" sexual content. It does strike me as odd that even with this in mind there are so few Dominant Women out there but at the same time, I think that upbringing and societal norms have a bit to do with that. There's tons of women who are aggressive tops in the bedroom, but very few that classify themselves as Dommes.

I think your last sentence hits at the answer; sexually active women can do pretty much what they want. If they enjoy tease and denial, then they become appalling flirts. If they enjoy topping in the bedroom, they just take control of the drooling and grateful male. If they want to lie back and be served, they don't even have to ask. The experimentation fits into this context.

All this is very exciting for the participants, but not necessarily sustainable in a healthy long term relationship. The kind of BDSM I'm talking about is in part an attempt to create a reservation for all this bad female behaviour so it can continue to flourish in the shadows.

Going back to the other themes of these posts... a wild card comes to mind when it comes to D/s relationships. That wild card is "true love." True love describes situations where a party is a willing participant in activities they do not enjoy simply out of love for the other (this could be performed by either role). These situations can often steer clear of the conflicts you described.

I would theorise that "true love" always involves a lot of overlap in the darkside. There are still hazards if she is less familiar with the fetish world than he is. Also, both parties tend to be willing to play slightly more scripted roles – nothing wrong with that, it's just that I'm talking about how to establish spontaneous play.

In terms of pre-negotiated relationships, a lot of the potential source of conflicts can probably be traced towards the background of the Domme. If she is active in the BDSM scene she will likely have a very different view of things compared to a hardcore female supremacist. The BDSM scene Domme is much more likely to dole out enjoyable fetish interactions in a "fair" manner whereas the female supremacist is more likely to disregard his desires.

I can't pretend to speak with any direct knowledge of the fetish scene. I suspect that my intimacy map still applies, but that the waters are muddied by an extra layer of negotiation and tradeoffs.

However, I think part of what you're talking about relates to coping strategies. The female supremacist and the fantasist both have different and incompatible justifications for BDSM.

In regards to my own experiences I have been in 4 D/s relationships, 3 of which were pre-negotiated and the fourth was instigated by the Domme after beginning as a vanilla relationship. Each was a bit different, the first really flowing along with true love and non-fetish personality conflicts leading to its breakdown. One simply failed to connect deeply on both a fetish and personal level. One connected nearly perfectly on a fetish level but failed on a personal level. My current relationship has a partial overlap in fetishes and several personality conflicts. Overall our true conflicts rarely arose from lack of overlap in the fetish department but those relationships also weren't bound by marriage, legal bondage, etc.

Thanks for sharing this. These all seem to fit the pattern...

Chastity Planet: The toy boy

She bought me presents, slipped me money, and I trailed after her around the shops, then later went to work with tongue and fingertip. Inside its cup, my lost penis went wild.

I am - was - a Free Neuter. We can come and go as we please, and even hold down a job. However, everybody assumes we're always in a horny daze, so mostly we get positions requiring eye candy only; receptionist, waiter, that kind of thing. The wages are poor, but the tips are good.

If you're lucky, you can pick up a rich "girlfriend", and that's what I did.

It went OK at first. She's was older than me, and not my type. But as the weeks turned to months, as her orgasms piled up, and mine receded into memory, I started wanting her.

Tonight was supposed to be our last night together. I had a flight in the morning.

What went wrong?

After I licked her off, I pleaded; "Let me use the prosthetic!"

She laughed. "What kind of girl do you think I am? You're leaving forever. "

So I gave myself to her. Extended my contract by another frustrating year and made myself her slave.

"That's sweet," she said. "Wake me when its time for the restaurant." And with that she drifted off to sleep.

Getting the femdom action and trappings and still being "authentic"

The best way to experience your femdom fantasy is to find a spot where your darkside overlaps hers. You're both acting spontaneously without a script, enjoying your roles for their own sake. Anything that happens is authentic, because it's what you'd both do if your roles were real. The relationship is a shadow one, but still an actual relationship.

The problem is, how do you get all the other stuff? The props, the clothes, the words, the punishments...?

Some of these aren't trivial. Perhaps they're what the fantasy is really about for you, or perhaps they're part of your way of coping with the inherent contradictions of asking another person to treat you evilly. You can't just discard them. However, anything that smacks of scripts or shopping lists bumps one or both of you out of role.

Some femdom intimacy dynamics lend themselves to all this. If she's engaged with you (EE and ED), then she wants to get into your head. Corsets and bondage follow naturally from this.

It's harder if she's disengaged (DE, DD). She's not supposed to care about what you're thinking or feeling, so why, e.g., should she dress in a certain way, or punish you more than is "necessary"?

Since it's the hardest, I'm going to take the Disengaged-Disengaged dynamic as an example.

She doesn't care what you think, just what you do. You're not expected to second guess her or try to get inside her head. You can just "relax" and follow instructions. Typically, you are slave and owner. Let's take that further and drop you into the world of Whips and Stockingtops – femdom flappers and chaste male slaves.

Think about the components of the W&ST fantasy that go beyond the power relationship and "DD" intimacy dynamic:
World: Clothes, attitude and the other trappings

If she's not wearing stockings, it's not Whips and Stockingtops! Other retro gear helps, as long as it's comfortable; silky slips and glamorous nightwear. A male chastity device is also mandatory. Any music should be classical or pre-war Jazz.

All this stuff is part of the fantasy world, but none of it follows from the power or intimacy dynamics. Your girlfriend might dress to please you, but your owner doesn't dress to please her slave. His penis is irrelevant, so why bother to cage it? (Similarly, your fantasy mistress might be a feast of leather and PVC, all hard to get into and not always comfortable.)

The only way to approach this is from the outside, as a prerequisite for crossing the border into the darkside. It's simply what people wear. The same goes for any etiquette or attitude.

Prioritise. Don't ask for too much at one go. Start with whatever's easiest and simplest for her. There's a good chance she'll find dressing up empowering or escapist – but you have to let her discover that for herself.

Drama: Action generated by testing or affirming the intimacy dynamic

Drama is the stuff of fantasy and erotic fiction. However, it's hard to get right in play.

Testing
If you start groaning because you're turned on, she'll beat you and tell you to shut up. This little drama plays out because you've tried to force her to engage with you, dragging the intimacy dynamic up into ED (see illustration). Inadvertently or not, you've "tested" her.

Testing is best done spontaneously, in role. There may be moments when you are bored or turned on or in some other unbearable state and you end up testing the boundaries – especially true if, unlike me, you are contrary or bratty.

There are, however, problems with testing. First and foremost, testing the intimacy dynamic also means testing the power dynamic. She may be sceptical of your ability to follow through with your fantasy, unsure of her power, or teetering on the brink of self consciousness. Or she may envisage her power as total, and find challenges to it irritating to the point where they bump her out of her role and back to lightside reality.

Secondly, when you test the intimacy dynamic, you may take her places that are not on her darkside map. Perhaps she can only treat you as a slave as long as she doesn't engage with you.

So, go carefully with testing. Treat her power over you as real. If you feel the need to consciously create drama, do so with care and sensitivity. Be aware of the difference between darkside anger and lightside irritation...

Affirmation
Sometimes she may violate the dynamic by teasing you until you're drooling and dripping, then setting you back to work. She's "affirmed" her position. (This is different from the teasing and denial you get in EE and ED since she's only interested in luring you out enough to push you back in.)

It's probably best to go along with any affirmation she initiates– try not to ham it up!

If it takes you to uncomfortable places, tell her much much later.

The one thing you have to watch out for is her dropping into scripted behaviour borrowed from some femdom stereotype or other. Later on, tell her that she really doesn't have to play act for you – you don't want a service top, you want a genuine mistress.


Punishment: Action resulting from the femdom relationship

She's the mistress, you're the slave. From time to time, she'll have good reason to punish you physically, or by humiliation or verbal abuse. In theory, this should be simple as long as you've agreed the mechanics, the limits and the safety – of course. However, it's more complicated than it seems.

NB: In a DD dynamic like W&ST, punishment should involve as little effort for her as possible. A demerit system or clicker counter can enable her to postpone punishment until it suits her.

Routine
You spill the wine, she makes you clear it up then beats you.

If this doesn't seem to be working, wait until later and explain that though punishment is a gratifying part of your fantasy, it's something you instinctively fear and avoid; she really can improve your servile performance by punishing you. Get her to treat all mistakes on your part in role, in return you promise never to deliberately seek punishment.

The big snag with this one is that you probably very rarely make mistakes. Increased strictness on her part can only go so far.

Sought (Don't do this!)
You deliberately trigger punishment by making mistakes. It seems like a great idea in theory. In practice it has two disadvantages. She may dislike being manipulated and fall out of role. Worse, every mistake you make will seem deliberate. If you wreck her carpet, she'll think you did it in the hope of getting a beating! End of femdom relationship...

Set up
If you're very lucky, she may enjoy setting you up to fail so she can then beat you. Enjoy!

Procedural
Punishments resulting from the rules of your particular darkside world. For example, it may be good slave keeping practice to prevent you getting uppity by beating you immediately after – or before – you've given oral service. In other words, you're trading lickings for beatings.

This is probably the best way to ensure that your sessions include some punishment. Make the rules as consistent with your roles as possible. Avoid straying into scripting. Accept that sometimes, she won't bother....


Summing up

"You can go to the ball!"

You can enjoy your fantasy action and trappings – within reason – in an authentic femdom shadow relationship, not by scripting, but by agreeing the culture and rules of your shared world.

Chayste at the wedding

It was one of those Scottish weddings where the girls kick off their elegant shoes and dance barefoot. Nobody asked me about my marriage prospects – the alien red gem growing out of my palm saw to that.

I don't know what's more embarrassing; when the thing's unlit, indicating that you've been a good boy and supplied lots of orgone energy for those little green men, or glowing hot-coal red, screaming out to the world that you've got no sex drive and that the crystal and groin-cup are about to drop off and fasten on some other poor sucker.

Actually, I do have a sex drive. However, up to that night, I'd been living like a monk – a Buddhist monk – doing yoga, meditating, working on maths puzzles... anything to take my mind of sex, to keep that chastity device loose around my lost penis.

I was doing so well, I could read at night by the light of the complaining gemstone. Another few days and I would get my genitals back.

But, when an old flame invites you to her wedding, it's hard to say no. And, what could go wrong? A load of old wrinklies prancing around in tartan?

Younger than me, just starting college. Long hair, bare feet and legs, and a stretchy black dress that clung to her hourglass figure as if it had been drawn on by a cartoonist.

There was no way I couldn't notice her, but I kept to the dances where you swapped partner with each verse, so between moments whirling her around on my arm and trying not to look at those smooth, curvy legs, I was spinning other people's grannies.

But then came the lady's choice and she pranced up to me and – with a sweet smile - offered her arm. As we danced, her breasts were always there, jostling my elbow, crushed into my chest, or just jouncing as she kicked and stepped and my chastity belt throbbed in time, not to the music, but to her flesh.

Somewhere, a flying saucer was feeding off my frustration, and then gem in my palm glowed slightly less.

We danced every dance until, around midnight, somebody called last orders at the bar. She beckoned me off through a side door. I followed, mesmerised by the swing of her hips, through the panelled corridors of the hotel, up a staircase lined with hunting pictures, and into her room.

I checked at the threshold, but she just stuck her tongue down my throat and shoved the door shut. Holding the kiss, she all but sucked me over to the bed.


Did she know I was chayste? Had she seen the gem?


She flopped back and a gentle shove pushed my head between her knees. Without a word, she swung those bare legs over my shoulders and parted her thighs so that the stretchy dress furled up onto her hips.


Yes. She knew.


There were no panties under there, just a forest of curls and wet lips. Penis prickling with the effort to fight its way erect, I dove between her soft thighs and licked like dog. Her clitoris rose beneath my tongue and I lapped faster and faster.

As the salty juices collected on my tongue, her thighs clamped against my ears and she began to pant.

Between my legs, a wet pressure built up as if could share her orgasm.

And then she pushed me away and wriggled up the bed.

I stood and my head whirled – all the blood was in my groin – and I scrabbled for something to say.

"You can go now," she said, her voice sweet and Scottish, and pulled up a pillow.

She didn't even look at me as I left the room, her taste still on my lips. If she had, she'd have seen the damp patch appear on my hired formal trousers.

As I walked out into the night, her only words to me echoed through my mind: "You can go now."

With each step into the darkness, the hardness in my groin returned, and the telltale gem glowed less faintly.

The Chastity Belt: Olivia

So, some of you would rather fancy ending up as Olivia's chaste lover.

Very much posh totty meets angry little rich girl, she wants to be wanted by men, but hates them for using her. In the Chastity Belt story, she sets out to make Mark's life a misery by prostituting him to her friends.

In a relationship, I think she'd be different. With you locked into a chastity belt, there'd be no chance of you using her, so she'd have nothing to get angry about. Instead, she'd open up and show her vulnerable side.

Expect lots of wild sex using the prosthetic, with cuddles afterwards.... her sweaty, dozy, body draped over yours while you lie there, your chastity belt throbbing like a second heart.

Maybe, once in a while, she turns on you. Even with the chastity belt, you're just another man, so she treats you with contempt, slaps you, beats you with the nearest object to hand, or even humiliates you in front of her friends. Later, she's tearfully sorry and you have awesome makeup sex, and that little edge of fear ensures that you never quite forget how beautiful and unattainable she is....

BDSM Intimacy Dynamics

Finding her Dark Side

Most girls don't wake up at [the age of consent where you are], and say, "Gosh! I want to dominate a man."

Sorry.

Young women in general are just not wired to be quite as geeky over sex as men, and those with high sex drives tend to spend their time having sex with cool older guys, rather than thinking about it – it really isn't fair, is it?

If they are aware of BDSM, it's often in a vague way as something hookers do to satisfy drooling middle-aged perverts, or else it's an exotic realm populated by superhuman vixens and weak males.

However, everybody has their issues, so it follows that everybody has their darkside, it's just that she probably hasn't explored hers yet.

Proceed with caution. The darkside is a nasty, evil place were we enjoy immoral solutions to the problems of being an adult and having adult relationships. Most people are ashamed or afraid of what's there.

There's also a moral issue. Don't do a bait and switch, don't form a vanilla relationship because you are enticed only by her darkside, or because her fucked up lightside resembles the darkside you are looking for.

The good news is that – at least according to the Shop Window theory – if you have a genuine lightside relationship, there's a good chance you have matching darksides and can – cautiously – develop a BDSM shadow relationship to run in parallel with your equally rewarding everyday one.

But, I'll talk more about all this in another post. Right now let's think about mapping her darkside.

GLIMPSES INTO THE DARKNESS

Think of your partner's darkside as a parallel world where the rules are set up to have the kind of relationship that works around her issues. Since you're only interested in identifying her preferred darkside relationship, you don't need to turn yourself into her shrink – which would probably be unethical or damaging anyway. Instead, look for ways in which she'd like to take a "break", or make a "breakout".

What to look for: Break or Breakout?

It's a stereotype, but it is probably true that if in the light of day she is controlling and bossy, there's a good chance she yearns get what she wants without having to ask for it in detail. Similarly, a flirt who is always seeking male approval might yearn to switch off her charms. In their darkside, each of them gets to take a "break".

On the other hand, perhaps the bossyboots really wishes she could be in charge without all this crap about people's feelings. And, suppose the flirt enjoys flirting more than fucking. The darkside enables both to stage a "breakout", busting through normal morality.

You can usually tell the difference between the two by looking for the pain. If some aspect of her personality seems driven, or doesn't really make her happy, then she might want a break from it. On the other hand, if she gets frustrated when her instincts and personality collide with the real world, then you might be looking at a breakout.

When to look...

Adults usually manage to get by in the world and in relationships. By the time we're in our 20s, if not before, we accept other people are real, and that dealing with their personalities, expectations and demands is part of being human.

So, don't expect the part-time dominatrix of your dreams to stomp through her real life snarling orders – she's grown out of that, and you probably wouldn't respect her if she hadn't. (Any relationship would probably be exploitative on your side.)

However, there are times she'll revert to her earlier self, or wander into the darkside:

• When she's being silly or playful.
• When she's tired, drunk or sad,
• In bed in subtle or unsubtle ways
• When you've been going out long enough for her to take you for granted
• In the media she consumes
• The way she reacts to your fantasies, and if course in her fantasies – for god's sake don't analyse these to her.

How to tell

Observe, hypothesise, test. Repeat!

Things may not mean the same thing to her as to you. Going to a fancy dress party as dominatrix may just be thrilling because it's naughty. Instances of frustration may be caused be her PMS, or you acting like a dick. Not all anger comes from the darkside!

So, when you think you've caught her taking a break, or breaking out, work out what rule this might imply. Later, weave it into a fantasy or a bedroom sex game, note her reaction and modify accordingly. (If you're not sharing fantasies, then it's time to start.)

MAPPING HER DARKSIDE

Sometimes the rules and the darkside relationship seem to arrive at one go. For example, if she makes you wear speedos in bed, it's tempting to think that it's time to invest in a chastity belt. However, to deduce her darkside relationship, you have to look at what kind of relationship it creates. Perhaps it's as simple as; she likes to control the sex. "He wears a chastity belt" might be a good rule. But, "She's in charge" would do equally well.

Since the rules shape her preferred darkside relationship, then it is the relationship you need to map. This depends on her intimacy stances.

PRIMARY STANCES

You Her	Engaged	Disengaged
Engaged	"It's all about our special connection..."	"Stop fussing and let me get on with it."
Disengaged	"I don't care what you feel – you should know what I'm feeling."	"You tell me what you want, and I'll tell you want I want."

EE: "It's all about our connection..."

She's very comfortable with mutuality, but sometimes you catch her getting it on her terms. Perhaps she secretly likes to take charge of her friendships, or likes to control her relationships. Or maybe she likes sex on her terms. Does she like to make you earn access to her body? Pay for pleasure with amusing discomfort? Tease you until you squirm? Or are penises not allowed?

Possible relationships include: Dom\Sub, Keyholder\Locked, Virgin\Chayste

ED: "Stop fussing and let me get on with it."

She's one of those people who wishes friends and lovers would stop trying to second guess her feelings. "What do you want from me? I'm here, aren't I?" In bed, she might be quite the technician – she probably gives a great hand job – but she sometimes forgets to tell you whether she's come or not, and likes to take responsibility for her own orgasm.

Possible relationships include: Sadist\Masochist, Tease\ Victim

DE: "I don't care what you feel – you should know what I'm feeling."

Deep down, she wants to trundle through life while people fuss around her. In bed, she sometimes likes to lie back and let you please her as best you can. Afterwards she'll smile benignly while you come to orgasm, though do nothing much to help.

Possible relationships include: Goddess\Worshipper, Voyeur\Exhibitionist

DD: "You tell me what you want, and I'll tell you want I want."

She's probably quite assertive, and expects the same from her friends. She can probably do nuances and empathy, but finds it frustrating and time consuming. In bed, she's often turns technician and expects the same from you. You probably find you take turns a lot.

Possible relationships include: Owner\Slave

ADDITIONAL STANCES

People usually have additional stances. Usually these complete a column or row. For example, if she's DE & DD, then anything goes as long as she doesn't have to engage with your feelings.

Sometimes – just to make things confusing - she's avoiding a particular square. For example, ED & DE & DD, is really best written NOT EE – she'll do anything to avoid the awkward business of mutuality.

And then, there are probably women who enjoy wandering through all the intimacy stances, while maintaining one or more rules, e.g. she's in charge, or you're in a chastity belt.

NOW WHAT?

The idea is to evolve an authentic shadow relationship through cycles of fantasy and experimentation. But that belongs to another blog entry....

BDSM: It's all about the intimacy

In developing a BDSM relationship, I've come to suspect that kink is mostly about controlling or stealing intimacy.

Think about it....

To a young person contemplating their first sexual relationship, true intimacy is terrifying. It involves making yourself vulnerable by acknowledging how the other person affects you, and being responsible for your effect on them. This in turn requires that you surrender control and embark on the stressful business of negotiation. And somewhere in there, the intimacy has a price: performing certain physical acts about which you may be deeply ambivalent, or which require hard work.

BDSM fantasies, and ultimately games and relationships, are a way of taking a holiday from all this...

Intimacy Dynamic: Engaged/Disengaged

Ask yourself whether – in your fantasy – each of you are engaged or disengaged with the other person's needs and feelings.

By "engaged", I mean actively seeking a particular emotional response and, through empathy and second-guessing, anticipating the lover's needs (though not necessarily supplying them...). Healthy lovers are mutually engaged, each knowing if and how to touch, and what romantic surprises to spring and when.

Sometimes we can never get enough engagement from our lovers, and we yearn to demand it with menaces, or contrive to be the centre of attention. To become the focus of our the other person's world, we sometimes want to go further and have permission to "disengage" from them – to hand back responsibility for their immediate responses and feelings.

However, being engaged with can be wearing. In a nasty short circuit, there's pressure to be happy so the other person can be happy. Sometimes it's just nice to have the private mental space to enjoy an experience, or concentrate on engaging with your lover. Also, since nobody can always get it right, it can be a relief for both of you if she can just tell you what to do.

When visiting these fantasies with a lover, it's important to get the intimacy dynamic right. If she wants you to shut up and let her do your thing, then you'd better do just that.

Stealing intimacy: workarounds the price

Normal intimacy requires a price... e.g.: penetrative sex; the need to be mutually naked; shared responsibility for both the relationship and for its domestic finances; and the need to be attractive and to value the other person or lose them.

BDSM fantasies enable couples to steal intimacy by working around these prices. For example, self-proclaimed loser small-dicked cuckold chaste sissy husbands are probably evading the pressure to compete in the masculinity stakes and their wives – when they really exist – probably enjoy the sense of security from having an apparently worthless husband who can't wander.

In play, it's important to make a distinction between different kinds of workaround.

Relationship workarounds can be demanding or irritating for the other person, and deeply disturbing if that seems to be what you want 24/7 in real life; it's one thing to have a compliant slave in the bedroom and around the house for a weekend, entirely another to lose your life partner and companion and end up entirely responsible for everything in the relationship.

Sexual workarounds ones have no significance beyond the bedroom and can be fun for all concerned, or have so little effect on the other person that they can be included in a session with no tradeoffs. For example, it doesn't really matter whether I wear a chastity device or not; I'm still a slave who's not going to get his rocks off. The main thing is not to burden her in any way with my workaround.

Whatever they are, the workarounds are what give particular BDSM fantasies their individuality. This means that they need to be used with precision and sensitivity.

The Four Dynamics of BDSM Fantasies

So, with two possibilities for each player, we get:

You Her	Engaged	Disengaged
Engaged	Dom\Sub Keyholder\Locked Virgin\Chayste Furries Unequal companions	Sadist\Masochist Tease\ Victim
Disengaged	Goddess\Worshipper	Owner\Slave Voyeur\Exhibitionist

Engaged\Engaged

This square is the true home of the workarounds.

Typically, she manages the intimacy, so she avoids being vulnerable and he avoids feeling responsible. The intimacy itself usually entails her tormenting and testing him, and him trying to prove please her.

However, in some fetish only pairings, e.g. Virgin\Chayste or Furries, there's no real power exchange. The couple manage to have a vanilla-like sexual relationship, just without a penis, or dressed as animals...

Disengaged\Engaged

You steal intimacy from her. She in turn manages to express herself sexually, without feeling responsible for your feelings.

Engaged\Disengaged

She extracts intimacy from you, without giving it back. Her actions – torturing or teasing – might suggest deeper motivations, but each is designed to produce a response from you. You in turn, get to just express yourself without feeling responsible for her feelings.

Disengaged\Disengaged

Possibly the darkest place. She tells you what she wants, and you supply it and no more. You both get to have relationship without coming out of your shells. My favourite.

Navigating the Four Dynamics

Fantasies with more than one dynamic

You've probably noticed that your particular fantasy, or your typical session, belongs in more than one of these boxes. It may be that you're both doing anything to avoid being mutually Engaged, or that one of you always maintains the same stance. For example, sometimes she has you fuss around her anticipating her needs. Other times, you do nothing except obey orders. Whether you're Engaged or Disengaged, she's always Disengaged – and that's how you both like it!

This can make play complicated because your preferred stances may not overlap. Perhaps she's happy to be your icy owner, but not to tease or torment you. Also, watch out for sudden shifts, for example when she wants you to go from mute slave to unequal companion – don't balk!

Drama

Drama is generated by attempts to force the other to move boxes, and generally serves to affirm the main dynamic.

Sometimes you start outside the desired box, and she battles you into it, e.g. you're withdrawn and she beats you into being more open.

Sometimes one of you tests the other by trying nudge them out of the box. Perhaps you try to engage her with your feelings so that she can slap you down. Perhaps she tricks you into disengaging from her, then brings you back with a punishment.

In play, treat drama with caution. How much she enjoys it depends on her personality, how she feels on the night, and how secure she is in her control. Don't make her battle unless that's what she obviously wants. If you test her, do it with caution and watch out for irritation. Perhaps she just wants to relax into her role.

Finally, drama can feel artificial and destroy the sense of immersion in another world. This can be totally disastrous, or actually a good thing – sometimes being reminded that "this is just a game" gives you permission to continue.

DEVELOPING AND VISITING YOUR BDSM SHADOW RELATIONSHIPS

"Tonight, I'm your slave."

"OK... Go run my bath, and do the dishes."

"Cool."

"Shut up. (THWACK!)"

BDSM shadow relationships are eroticised versions of the dysfunctional ones we've hopefully avoided by the time we're a full adult: "shadow" because we only visit them from time to time; and "relationships" because...

• The roles, not props, determine the immediate power and possible action.
• The action is not pre-negotiated (though limits can be) and need not be purely sexual.
• The game ends when the players break role, and not before.

If you've read this far, then this is probably what you're aiming for. For my thoughts on how to get there, you'll have to wait...