Monday, December 06, 2010

The Vanilla Dominatrix

I've always craved real female domination.

I remember, at 21, meeting a girl with ME, and being darkly excited by the thought that she'd need constant looking after. I didn't get her, but I did get a parade of mentally fragile girlfriends.

On some level I wanted my life to empty and another person's to pour in.

And, my first girlfriend - was I 16? - was a true psycho chick, lashing out with verbal and physical abuse. Even as I gradually discovered and accepted my fantasies, I still blundered around the spectrum of abusive relationships, being bossed around, verbally abused, slapped and punched.

None of all this made me very happy. A big chunk of me is not consumed by erotic darkness, and the particular darkness I did crave was never fully satisfied by fucked-up relationships... The fragile girls wanted a manly man to pwotect them, so it was like a race to the bottom. The bossy ice queens and psycho chicks were dysfunctional in the bedroom, but only in boring ways.

The take home is; you can't and shouldn't use unwitting broken people to satisfy your kinks.

Playing at femdom was never really satisfying either. Most people aren't natural actors, and even if they do get into role, it's hard not to be aware of the Russian Doll paradox - while you're ostensibly controlled by her, she's really being controlled by your fantasies. Worse, you miss the unfakable emotions, and the real edge of fear that comes from being in somebody else's power.

It took a long time - way too long - to realise the third option, what I think of as Authentic BDSM.

Just be yourselves. No play acting, no script, no expectations or shopping lists. You only have to pretend two things:
Her power is real, and it's OK for her to enjoy and exploit it.
Her power is real...
It's surprisingly easy to pretend the power is real. Most real world power we encounter isn't backed up by the immediate threat of overwhelming force. We grow up obeying teachers, professors, and bosses. Humans are naturally hierarchical. As long as you never do anything to break her authority during a session, you'll both start to believe in it.

...it's OK for her to enjoy and exploit it
Scarily, if you can establish the power, and give her permission and reassurance - without too much direction - then this naturally follows, especially because there are lots of non-kinky things for her to enjoy about being in charge.

Of course, this means you get a Vanilla Dominatrix.

Unless she's as obsessively kinky as you - statistically unlikely (Sorry!) - she won't start dressing up in uncomfortable PVC and latex. She probably won't be excited by your new chastity device, and she's unlikely to spend time devising new and cunning punishments, unless she already has a playful and mischievous bent.

What you do get is the dark thrill of really giving yourself to a real woman.

6 comments:

Throck said...

Very perceptive post. I totally agree. I have a very vanilla wife. But because she loves me, she is willing to engage a bit in my kink. She spanks me. It's not quite the the way I might imagine it in my fantasies, but it's not bad, and I think she is coming to enjoy it a little bit. There may be a few women that come by dominance and kink naturally, and still have there head screwed on right, but I imagine very few. However, if one is engaged with a real loving partner who is willing to give in a little to your kinky side simply because she is truly in love with you, you may move closer to your fantasy over time. I only wish I had been willing to admit my kink to her at a much younger age.

Throck

Giles English said...

Thanks!
I'm not quite saying "lower your expectations". Rather; "Serve up kink that offers her vanilla benefits" - if you do that, then the action will be pretty much what you'd expect in a femdom alternate earth, and it will be reciprocal.

The Alpha Pussy said...

Interesting post. I think there is a third option of a strong woman who you give your power to. Femdom is always about the relinquishing of power, but she has to be willing to take it and run with it. Establish a relationship of trust and absolute freedom and you'll be surprised what she'll think of next.

Giles English said...

Thanks for pointing that out!

Being explicit in the hand over of power certainly gets around the issue of exploiting other people's personality quirks.

I certainly think FLR can be right for some people.

However, there are several reasons why aming for FLR as the default may not be a good idea:

-Supply: Most women, even the ones who like being informally in charge, don't want a FLR.
-Demand: Most men don't actually *want* a FLR, even if they fantasise about it.
-Compatibility: Picking dominance as a prime desired trait may lead you into relationships you would otherwise avoid.
-Morality: Pulling a bait and switch within an existing relationship is wrong.

I'm not saying FLR is wrong; just that it's unrealistic or unwise for most people, and often an unfair expectation.

Masok said...

Interesting.i have been in a loving marriage for almost 40 years. In the last ten it has developed to a point where my wife dominates me regularly. She loves to spank abuse and fuck me with a strapon. I feel totally liberated and know she enjoys being a Dom . She regularly demands more and more submission from me and I am willing to comply....wish it had started so much earlier

Giles English said...

Might not have been possible earlier, Masok. There's no point in regrets. Glad you are getting what you both want.

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