BDSM Intimacy Dynamics

Finding her Dark Side

Most girls don't wake up at [the age of consent where you are], and say, "Gosh! I want to dominate a man."

Sorry.

Young women in general are just not wired to be quite as geeky over sex as men, and those with high sex drives tend to spend their time having sex with cool older guys, rather than thinking about it – it really isn't fair, is it?

If they are aware of BDSM, it's often in a vague way as something hookers do to satisfy drooling middle-aged perverts, or else it's an exotic realm populated by superhuman vixens and weak males.

However, everybody has their issues, so it follows that everybody has their darkside, it's just that she probably hasn't explored hers yet.

Proceed with caution. The darkside is a nasty, evil place were we enjoy immoral solutions to the problems of being an adult and having adult relationships. Most people are ashamed or afraid of what's there.

There's also a moral issue. Don't do a bait and switch, don't form a vanilla relationship because you are enticed only by her darkside, or because her fucked up lightside resembles the darkside you are looking for.

The good news is that – at least according to the Shop Window theory – if you have a genuine lightside relationship, there's a good chance you have matching darksides and can – cautiously – develop a BDSM shadow relationship to run in parallel with your equally rewarding everyday one.

But, I'll talk more about all this in another post. Right now let's think about mapping her darkside.

GLIMPSES INTO THE DARKNESS

Think of your partner's darkside as a parallel world where the rules are set up to have the kind of relationship that works around her issues. Since you're only interested in identifying her preferred darkside relationship, you don't need to turn yourself into her shrink – which would probably be unethical or damaging anyway. Instead, look for ways in which she'd like to take a "break", or make a "breakout".

What to look for: Break or Breakout?

It's a stereotype, but it is probably true that if in the light of day she is controlling and bossy, there's a good chance she yearns get what she wants without having to ask for it in detail. Similarly, a flirt who is always seeking male approval might yearn to switch off her charms. In their darkside, each of them gets to take a "break".

On the other hand, perhaps the bossyboots really wishes she could be in charge without all this crap about people's feelings. And, suppose the flirt enjoys flirting more than fucking. The darkside enables both to stage a "breakout", busting through normal morality.

You can usually tell the difference between the two by looking for the pain. If some aspect of her personality seems driven, or doesn't really make her happy, then she might want a break from it. On the other hand, if she gets frustrated when her instincts and personality collide with the real world, then you might be looking at a breakout.

When to look...

Adults usually manage to get by in the world and in relationships. By the time we're in our 20s, if not before, we accept other people are real, and that dealing with their personalities, expectations and demands is part of being human.

So, don't expect the part-time dominatrix of your dreams to stomp through her real life snarling orders – she's grown out of that, and you probably wouldn't respect her if she hadn't. (Any relationship would probably be exploitative on your side.)

However, there are times she'll revert to her earlier self, or wander into the darkside:

• When she's being silly or playful.
• When she's tired, drunk or sad,
• In bed in subtle or unsubtle ways
• When you've been going out long enough for her to take you for granted
• In the media she consumes
• The way she reacts to your fantasies, and if course in her fantasies – for god's sake don't analyse these to her.

How to tell

Observe, hypothesise, test. Repeat!

Things may not mean the same thing to her as to you. Going to a fancy dress party as dominatrix may just be thrilling because it's naughty. Instances of frustration may be caused be her PMS, or you acting like a dick. Not all anger comes from the darkside!

So, when you think you've caught her taking a break, or breaking out, work out what rule this might imply. Later, weave it into a fantasy or a bedroom sex game, note her reaction and modify accordingly. (If you're not sharing fantasies, then it's time to start.)

MAPPING HER DARKSIDE

Sometimes the rules and the darkside relationship seem to arrive at one go. For example, if she makes you wear speedos in bed, it's tempting to think that it's time to invest in a chastity belt. However, to deduce her darkside relationship, you have to look at what kind of relationship it creates. Perhaps it's as simple as; she likes to control the sex. "He wears a chastity belt" might be a good rule. But, "She's in charge" would do equally well.

Since the rules shape her preferred darkside relationship, then it is the relationship you need to map. This depends on her intimacy stances.

PRIMARY STANCES

You Her	Engaged	Disengaged
Engaged	"It's all about our special connection..."	"Stop fussing and let me get on with it."
Disengaged	"I don't care what you feel – you should know what I'm feeling."	"You tell me what you want, and I'll tell you want I want."

EE: "It's all about our connection..."

She's very comfortable with mutuality, but sometimes you catch her getting it on her terms. Perhaps she secretly likes to take charge of her friendships, or likes to control her relationships. Or maybe she likes sex on her terms. Does she like to make you earn access to her body? Pay for pleasure with amusing discomfort? Tease you until you squirm? Or are penises not allowed?

Possible relationships include: Dom\Sub, Keyholder\Locked, Virgin\Chayste

ED: "Stop fussing and let me get on with it."

She's one of those people who wishes friends and lovers would stop trying to second guess her feelings. "What do you want from me? I'm here, aren't I?" In bed, she might be quite the technician – she probably gives a great hand job – but she sometimes forgets to tell you whether she's come or not, and likes to take responsibility for her own orgasm.

Possible relationships include: Sadist\Masochist, Tease\ Victim

DE: "I don't care what you feel – you should know what I'm feeling."

Deep down, she wants to trundle through life while people fuss around her. In bed, she sometimes likes to lie back and let you please her as best you can. Afterwards she'll smile benignly while you come to orgasm, though do nothing much to help.

Possible relationships include: Goddess\Worshipper, Voyeur\Exhibitionist

DD: "You tell me what you want, and I'll tell you want I want."

She's probably quite assertive, and expects the same from her friends. She can probably do nuances and empathy, but finds it frustrating and time consuming. In bed, she's often turns technician and expects the same from you. You probably find you take turns a lot.

Possible relationships include: Owner\Slave

ADDITIONAL STANCES

People usually have additional stances. Usually these complete a column or row. For example, if she's DE & DD, then anything goes as long as she doesn't have to engage with your feelings.

Sometimes – just to make things confusing - she's avoiding a particular square. For example, ED & DE & DD, is really best written NOT EE – she'll do anything to avoid the awkward business of mutuality.

And then, there are probably women who enjoy wandering through all the intimacy stances, while maintaining one or more rules, e.g. she's in charge, or you're in a chastity belt.

NOW WHAT?

The idea is to evolve an authentic shadow relationship through cycles of fantasy and experimentation. But that belongs to another blog entry....

BDSM: It's all about the intimacy

In developing a BDSM relationship, I've come to suspect that kink is mostly about controlling or stealing intimacy.

Think about it....

To a young person contemplating their first sexual relationship, true intimacy is terrifying. It involves making yourself vulnerable by acknowledging how the other person affects you, and being responsible for your effect on them. This in turn requires that you surrender control and embark on the stressful business of negotiation. And somewhere in there, the intimacy has a price: performing certain physical acts about which you may be deeply ambivalent, or which require hard work.

BDSM fantasies, and ultimately games and relationships, are a way of taking a holiday from all this...

Intimacy Dynamic: Engaged/Disengaged

Ask yourself whether – in your fantasy – each of you are engaged or disengaged with the other person's needs and feelings.

By "engaged", I mean actively seeking a particular emotional response and, through empathy and second-guessing, anticipating the lover's needs (though not necessarily supplying them...). Healthy lovers are mutually engaged, each knowing if and how to touch, and what romantic surprises to spring and when.

Sometimes we can never get enough engagement from our lovers, and we yearn to demand it with menaces, or contrive to be the centre of attention. To become the focus of our the other person's world, we sometimes want to go further and have permission to "disengage" from them – to hand back responsibility for their immediate responses and feelings.

However, being engaged with can be wearing. In a nasty short circuit, there's pressure to be happy so the other person can be happy. Sometimes it's just nice to have the private mental space to enjoy an experience, or concentrate on engaging with your lover. Also, since nobody can always get it right, it can be a relief for both of you if she can just tell you what to do.

When visiting these fantasies with a lover, it's important to get the intimacy dynamic right. If she wants you to shut up and let her do your thing, then you'd better do just that.

Stealing intimacy: workarounds the price

Normal intimacy requires a price... e.g.: penetrative sex; the need to be mutually naked; shared responsibility for both the relationship and for its domestic finances; and the need to be attractive and to value the other person or lose them.

BDSM fantasies enable couples to steal intimacy by working around these prices. For example, self-proclaimed loser small-dicked cuckold chaste sissy husbands are probably evading the pressure to compete in the masculinity stakes and their wives – when they really exist – probably enjoy the sense of security from having an apparently worthless husband who can't wander.

In play, it's important to make a distinction between different kinds of workaround.

Relationship workarounds can be demanding or irritating for the other person, and deeply disturbing if that seems to be what you want 24/7 in real life; it's one thing to have a compliant slave in the bedroom and around the house for a weekend, entirely another to lose your life partner and companion and end up entirely responsible for everything in the relationship.

Sexual workarounds ones have no significance beyond the bedroom and can be fun for all concerned, or have so little effect on the other person that they can be included in a session with no tradeoffs. For example, it doesn't really matter whether I wear a chastity device or not; I'm still a slave who's not going to get his rocks off. The main thing is not to burden her in any way with my workaround.

Whatever they are, the workarounds are what give particular BDSM fantasies their individuality. This means that they need to be used with precision and sensitivity.

The Four Dynamics of BDSM Fantasies

So, with two possibilities for each player, we get:

You Her	Engaged	Disengaged
Engaged	Dom\Sub Keyholder\Locked Virgin\Chayste Furries Unequal companions	Sadist\Masochist Tease\ Victim
Disengaged	Goddess\Worshipper	Owner\Slave Voyeur\Exhibitionist

Engaged\Engaged

This square is the true home of the workarounds.

Typically, she manages the intimacy, so she avoids being vulnerable and he avoids feeling responsible. The intimacy itself usually entails her tormenting and testing him, and him trying to prove please her.

However, in some fetish only pairings, e.g. Virgin\Chayste or Furries, there's no real power exchange. The couple manage to have a vanilla-like sexual relationship, just without a penis, or dressed as animals...

Disengaged\Engaged

You steal intimacy from her. She in turn manages to express herself sexually, without feeling responsible for your feelings.

Engaged\Disengaged

She extracts intimacy from you, without giving it back. Her actions – torturing or teasing – might suggest deeper motivations, but each is designed to produce a response from you. You in turn, get to just express yourself without feeling responsible for her feelings.

Disengaged\Disengaged

Possibly the darkest place. She tells you what she wants, and you supply it and no more. You both get to have relationship without coming out of your shells. My favourite.

Navigating the Four Dynamics

Fantasies with more than one dynamic

You've probably noticed that your particular fantasy, or your typical session, belongs in more than one of these boxes. It may be that you're both doing anything to avoid being mutually Engaged, or that one of you always maintains the same stance. For example, sometimes she has you fuss around her anticipating her needs. Other times, you do nothing except obey orders. Whether you're Engaged or Disengaged, she's always Disengaged – and that's how you both like it!

This can make play complicated because your preferred stances may not overlap. Perhaps she's happy to be your icy owner, but not to tease or torment you. Also, watch out for sudden shifts, for example when she wants you to go from mute slave to unequal companion – don't balk!

Drama

Drama is generated by attempts to force the other to move boxes, and generally serves to affirm the main dynamic.

Sometimes you start outside the desired box, and she battles you into it, e.g. you're withdrawn and she beats you into being more open.

Sometimes one of you tests the other by trying nudge them out of the box. Perhaps you try to engage her with your feelings so that she can slap you down. Perhaps she tricks you into disengaging from her, then brings you back with a punishment.

In play, treat drama with caution. How much she enjoys it depends on her personality, how she feels on the night, and how secure she is in her control. Don't make her battle unless that's what she obviously wants. If you test her, do it with caution and watch out for irritation. Perhaps she just wants to relax into her role.

Finally, drama can feel artificial and destroy the sense of immersion in another world. This can be totally disastrous, or actually a good thing – sometimes being reminded that "this is just a game" gives you permission to continue.

DEVELOPING AND VISITING YOUR BDSM SHADOW RELATIONSHIPS

"Tonight, I'm your slave."

"OK... Go run my bath, and do the dishes."

"Cool."

"Shut up. (THWACK!)"

BDSM shadow relationships are eroticised versions of the dysfunctional ones we've hopefully avoided by the time we're a full adult: "shadow" because we only visit them from time to time; and "relationships" because...

• The roles, not props, determine the immediate power and possible action.
• The action is not pre-negotiated (though limits can be) and need not be purely sexual.
• The game ends when the players break role, and not before.

If you've read this far, then this is probably what you're aiming for. For my thoughts on how to get there, you'll have to wait...

Ten tips for a chaste night of passion...

For chaystes like me, there's something wonderful about spending the night in chastity after an evening of chaste lovemaking or BDSM.

Of course, there's the masochistic thrill of the moment of lock-in, and every time I'm horribly turned on and realise that – yes, really – I won't be able to come tonight.

It's also nice to relax into the role knowing that there'll be no awkward anticlimax at the end of the evening, and that there's no vanilla pressure on either of you to unlock.

Most of all, though, it's a way of fully entering the chayste existence. If your chastity fantasies are about being chaste, rather than the keyholder power relationship, then their most natural expression is to be locked in with no immediate prospect of release.

Unfortunately, there are usually two snags: fitting the adventure into your mostly vanilla relationship; and overcoming the practical problems of sleeping in a chastity device.

5 RELATIONSHIP TIPS

Most women aren't actually obsessively kinky fetishists. Sorry.

Sure, they'll often have fun indulging our kinks because they like being sex goddesses, because being transgressive gives them a kick, or – best of all – because our kinks offer a natural expression for their vanilla sexuality. For example, if she enjoys flirting and sexual teasing, then a man in a chastity belt makes a great target. If she likes being pampered, then a slave or submissive lover could make her evening.

For these reasons, it's often quite easy to get a girlfriend or partner to play kinky games—but only up to a point. Games that are more trouble than they're worth, or violate her sense of self, or that threaten some unwanted relationship transformation, turn her off and make her look at you with suspicion.

So, unless you're with a true fetishist, if you want to spend the night in chastity, you have to approach your playmate sensitively and realistically....

1. Just an enhancement, not an extension into the night: If you haven't already done so, introduce chastity play first.
   
   If you already have chastity or BDSM play going, then make it clear that this is just icing on the cake, not a whole new dish, or a meal going on into the night for which she'll have to stay awake.
   
   Given the kinky blinkers most male fetishists wear, your partner probably half-suspects that this is the thin edge of the wedge.
   
   State your lack of expectations, and stick to them!
   
   
2. Benefits for her (and not your fantasy mistress): Give realistic reasons why she might enjoy, or at least be unaffected, by your chastity adventure.
   
   Unless she's a natural domme, most of these benefits are likely to be vanilla... perhaps there's a point in her hormone cycle when she enjoys stimulation, but not penetration... maybe after a massage and a really good seeing to, she's too sleepy to be interested in sex anyway... and if she wants penetration, a strap-on could supply that, with the possibility of variations in size and no more or less staying power than she wants.
   
   Make sure that any kinky benefits relate to her enjoyment of the evening session, not the rest of the night (when she will want to be asleep!). Perhaps it'll be fun playing with you knowing that you really won't be getting off, or maybe she enjoys teasing you. Maybe, up to this point, your play sessions have always had awkward endings because of your need to get off, and this is the fix...
   
   Except for the last point, don't suggest anything kinky which she hasn't already stated she enjoys. For example, it may be obvious to you that she enjoys being "mean", but she may not be comfortable admitting this!

3. Explicitly take responsibility: Give her the opportunity to enjoy your chastity, without fussing with the mechanics of your chastity device.
   
   Be able to truthfully say that you have all the practical problems ironed out ahead of time (see Practical Tips, below).
   
   Agree to leave the bed if your tossing and turning disturbs her. If possible, put the key out of reach (see Practical Tips #4) rather than turn her into a keyholder.... unless she insists on being one.
   
   State clearly that this is your fantasy and that if it doesn't work out, then that will be your problem, not hers.
   
   
4. Back to normal afterwards: If you've done your job properly, she's probably still sexually sated and therefore not in the mood to think about sex or kink. Unless she requests otherwise, in the morning, act normal, regardless of whether or not you are out of the belt.
   
   Unless she wants to discuss it, tell her "last night was brilliant" and leave it at that for now – this is not the time to give her any feedback, or plan marathons.
   
   If not, let her initiate any action, and don't rush back into kink space unless prompted by her.
   
   Be matter-of-fact but discrete about the practical aftermath. Clean the device and any toys, and put them away without making a fuss. If you have welts or chafing, pretend to ignore them around her.

5 PRACTICAL TIPS

Humans can adapt to all sorts of discomfort, but not right away, and not overnight! It's also true that with a BDSM fantasy, you're probably after a very particular sort of discomfort. If something practical goes wrong, it'll spoil your chastity adventure and possibly put her off the whole thing...

1. Snag thoroughly: Mild pinching and chafing won't feel nearly so "mild" after more than eight hours locked in.
   
   
2. Dry run: If possible, try sleeping on your own locked in, or at least wear the device for 6-8 hours during the day. That way, you'll be able to spot and fix any problems before the big night, and have some idea about how to get comfortable.
   
   Most importantly, make sure you can consistently answer the call of nature without making a mess or filling your chastity cup with piss!
   
   
3. Contingency plan: Have a way of concealing your locked up state should the outside world intrude, e.g. boxer shorts and loose trousers.
   
   Also, in extremis, know how you'd get out of the belt.
   
   
4. Put the key out of reach: The idea is to adjust to overnight chastity, not to spend eight hours revisiting the decision. Even if you have the willpower, your partner may start feeling guilty.
   
   So, put the key where you can't get at it until the morning. I use the timelock software, but you might want to leave the keys in your car, or the office, or post them to yourself.
   
   
5. Normal routine: Don't gild the lily! On the night, wear your usual pyjamas, have the usual supper or nightcap, go through the usual routine.
   
   The only thing that should be different is that you've got a chastity device around your cock.
   
   The other stuff can come later.

Above all else, be realistic!

If you remember that it takes more than a sex toy to change the way our bodies and our minds operate, then there's a good chance that even a very vanilla partner will enjoy her part in your fantasy...

Life with Moira...

I notice somebody opted for life with Moira; the kinkiest of all the choices.

What's it like?
Moira, sweet Highland redhead that she is, doesn't really relate emotionally to men, so expect her to get her kicks at the local lesbian club. Sometimes she'll bring dates home, and the kinkier ones won't mind if you watch.

She has a good reason for keeping you around, though. It's handy to have somebody to look after the house and, though she's not interested in teasing or giving pleasure, or in the psychological aspects of femdom, Moira does like causing pain.

Every so often, she stakes you out and drips hot wax on your chest while she has you lick her off. Other times she'll put clothes pegs on your nipples and masturbate - not as a tease - but because she likes the sounds you make.

Do you get to come?
Yes, any time you ask, she ties you to the bed and use a prostrate massager. The down side is that she then beats you, and you don't have that cushion of arousal to hide behind...

Why do you stay?
The fear keeps you on edge, making every moment with her intense. There's something about her that keeps your chastity belt tight.

Rare Sketch from the world of Whips and Stockingtops

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Femdom Artists site

Followed a link in comments and found this site. In amongst the usual fetish images are some more vanilla-looking dommes (of which more later).

Felicity...?

Apart from the hair colour, a certain British songstress would make a very good Felicity....

Moira....?

via fireycrotch

Interesting post...

Her's Forever has an interesting post on what you fantasise about, or do, before an orgasm, and what you're actually prepared to do afterwards.

Of course, in a chastity belt, you don't get an orgasm to tip you back to vanilla normality, so I for one find it hard to remove the thing once I'm in...

However, I wonder whether this is the acid test for the difference between a kink and an alternate self?

Who would play Felicity...?

I can see at least on other person would go for Felicity. I always imagined her looking a bit like this...

Plump, but not obese. Self-confident (at least on the outside) and definitely English "posh totty".

Here voluptuous shape is so unfashionable, I don't think there's a modern actress or pop star who could play her.

Even so, the world is full of women and girls who actually look like this.

Who would you cast in the movie...?

Is this Cassandra? (New Poll)

I found this lady courtesy of Johnny's Vintage Archives. She's the spitting image of how I imagine Cassandra... or at least how I imagine the 1930s model who resembles Cassandra.

It made me think about the girls I invented. They pretty much covered all the types, and - to be honest - even now, they're all a turn on.

But, which of them would you choose if you were stuck in a chastity belt?

Me? They're all intelligent and attractive. However, Moira scares me. I'd stay clear of her. Cassandra's too dark, too bleak, even without the kink. That leaves Felicity, all giggles and warmth since the chastity belt banishes her one insecurity.

What about you...?

Survey: Chastity Planet well ahead...

So, Chastity Planet is still well ahead in the survey. I wonder if it's the familiarity of the setting that carries the day...