According to the Kinsey Institute website:"A study looking at message board posts found 71% of heterosexual males but only 11% of heterosexual females and 12% of homosexual males prefer a dominant role when engaging in sexual bondage."
And
“14% of men and 11% of women have had some sexual experience with sadomasochism”
Let’s assume that these figures are roughly correct. Roughly a tenth of straight women have played BDSM games. Out of them, one tenth identify as sexual
ly dominant.
So, imagine there are 100 women in your widest possible social circle, only 10 of them are remotely likely to be the kind of person who’s easily BDSM friendly, and out of them one (1) identifies as sexually dominant.
If you can find her, you’re competing with between one and three other guys, and one of them’s probably her boyfriend.
This is what it looks like:
4 comments:
Good write-up, Giles.
While the internet tends to bias things a bit towards the male populace your overall point is something I agree with completely.
The odds are quite poor for men.
The good side of things is that one, most vanilla kinky women (as opposed to BDSM kinky) aren't submissives, even if they fantasize or have taken on a submissive role in bedroom games. Many of them are open to taking on the dominant role but many of them find it hard to believe a "guy would ever be willing to do that" in regards to the man being willing to submit. If you know a girl who gets kinky, there's a good chance she'll be willing to top if you were in a sexual relationship with her.
The downside is that if you pursue openly BDSM-kinky dominant women you have better be able to find a way to separate yourself from the pack as the odds are even worse.
As a dominant woman, having the huge numbers of male "subs" to pick from isn't necessarily a good thing. While there are probably many men out there that have a truly submissive mindset, there are far too many who are only looking for a mistress in order to have their own needs met. This is fine and all, but most dommes (myself included) would rather have a man that is eager to please than one that is eager to be pleased.
That is very true, RogueRin. I've known several Dommes that have felt similarly. I'm sure it's fairly easy to get discouraged.
I guess the way that I've looked at courting Dommes (and vanilla dating as well) is that it's like women are holding a sieve and men are like grains of sand. The grains get dumped in and only the ones that really stand out stay in the sieve while the others fall through.
I know that filtering process can probably feel tedious over time. It's one thing when you've strained a small sandbox but another thing when you've gone through an entire beach's worth of sand and had very few make the grade.
I've always given my women friends (both vanilla and Domme) the advice to actively seek out men rather than wait holding the sieve. Searching for the keeper among the "eye catchers" is often an easier task but I still consider this to be the role of greater power. Too often I've felt like the grain of sand.
I know one of the biggest compliments as a sub that I've ever received was when a well-known local Domme wrote to me about an ad I had placed on collarme stating that I had the right mindset to be her houseboy. Alas, I hadn't logged into that account in months and hadn't removed the "seeking Dominant" label on my profile and she was quite angry with me when I told her I had found someone.
@RogueRin
Yes. I can see it has its downside from the female dom perspective. However, the fact that you can (quite rightly) be picky, and that you are awash with supposed subs offering your services shows that, from the male point of view, the situation is pretty dire. Better, if possible, to find a femdom aspect to a vanilla relationship - strangely by working out what will please...
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