Hellooooo 69!

So, I reached 69 "followers"! Hi guys!

If we haven't chatted, do drop into the comments thread and say hello back...

Response to Fur Sissy

Fur Sissy very kindly responded in detail to my posts on femdom relationships. Since he posted in the public comments, I think it's OK for me to use a full post to respond:

....While the breakdown of engaged and disengaged works on a fairly observational level of D/s interactions, the conflict caused by attempting to shift between positions has a few assumptions already made about the style of relationship. Namely, it seems to encompass either a relationship that began vanilla and evolved towards D/s undertones either willingly or unwillingly, a relationship that began vanilla and became D/s through pressure from the male, or a relationship with a foundation in D/s but without full agreement by one involved party.

The assumption is that relationship is primarily vanilla, and that the male sub is driving the femdom action by acting as "local guide". The lady top is open to play, but wouldn't identify as a fetishist, and has thought about it a lot less than her male partner. She may also be insecure or provisional in her role.

In your post "Getting the femdom action and trappings and still being "authentic"" you made the statement "The best way to experience your femdom fantasy is to find a spot where your darkside overlaps hers." and I agree 100% with this statement. In the BDSM scene this is generally a necessity for a fulfilling long-term romantic relationship to develop and you will find parties that consider the overlap first and foremost when evaluating partners. The courting process is much more difficult for submissive men seeking dominant women than any other demographic in the BDSM realm.

No shit!

However, I don't think its quite as bad as it could be. Our darksides reflect aspects of our light side personalities – there's this thing called Shop Window theory – so if you are really emotionally compatible with somebody, then there's a good chance of a lot of overlap. Hence my idea of the "Shadow Relationship".

I do think that many pre-negotiated D/s relationships end up in the "only one fully willing participant" scenario since men are usually the ones forced to compromise the most in these situations and they are likely to be placed in situations that stray far from their primary fetish fantasies.

Yes. Or at least a man's fantasies are likely to be more diverse than he can find reflected in any one woman. Also, a particular fetish may be a turn-off for the partner, even though the dynamic behind it is not an issue, e.g. she may be very happy to punish him, but not by forcing him to crossdress.

However, if both individuals have a nearly perfect fetish overlap, there are situations that can steer clear of said conflicts, unless the nature of those conflicts is also part of the overlap, e.g. a man who has a fetish for her withholding pleasurable situations from him. I can also foresee situations that will behave the same simply by having an extremely strict Mistress.

A very useful point! Some fetishes can be a by-product of lots of different types of relationship. If it's the "witholding" you enjoy, you can get that from almost any of the intimacy dynamics: EE & ED - she enjoys your frustration, DE & DD – she is completely indifferent to your frustration.

....Women are generally more likely to be honest with themselves about their own sexual desires (which is why they are less likely to develop "fetishes" in their most scientific definition). They are also often more willing to explore and initiate "kinky" sexual content. It does strike me as odd that even with this in mind there are so few Dominant Women out there but at the same time, I think that upbringing and societal norms have a bit to do with that. There's tons of women who are aggressive tops in the bedroom, but very few that classify themselves as Dommes.

I think your last sentence hits at the answer; sexually active women can do pretty much what they want. If they enjoy tease and denial, then they become appalling flirts. If they enjoy topping in the bedroom, they just take control of the drooling and grateful male. If they want to lie back and be served, they don't even have to ask. The experimentation fits into this context.

All this is very exciting for the participants, but not necessarily sustainable in a healthy long term relationship. The kind of BDSM I'm talking about is in part an attempt to create a reservation for all this bad female behaviour so it can continue to flourish in the shadows.

Going back to the other themes of these posts... a wild card comes to mind when it comes to D/s relationships. That wild card is "true love." True love describes situations where a party is a willing participant in activities they do not enjoy simply out of love for the other (this could be performed by either role). These situations can often steer clear of the conflicts you described.

I would theorise that "true love" always involves a lot of overlap in the darkside. There are still hazards if she is less familiar with the fetish world than he is. Also, both parties tend to be willing to play slightly more scripted roles – nothing wrong with that, it's just that I'm talking about how to establish spontaneous play.

In terms of pre-negotiated relationships, a lot of the potential source of conflicts can probably be traced towards the background of the Domme. If she is active in the BDSM scene she will likely have a very different view of things compared to a hardcore female supremacist. The BDSM scene Domme is much more likely to dole out enjoyable fetish interactions in a "fair" manner whereas the female supremacist is more likely to disregard his desires.

I can't pretend to speak with any direct knowledge of the fetish scene. I suspect that my intimacy map still applies, but that the waters are muddied by an extra layer of negotiation and tradeoffs.

However, I think part of what you're talking about relates to coping strategies. The female supremacist and the fantasist both have different and incompatible justifications for BDSM.

In regards to my own experiences I have been in 4 D/s relationships, 3 of which were pre-negotiated and the fourth was instigated by the Domme after beginning as a vanilla relationship. Each was a bit different, the first really flowing along with true love and non-fetish personality conflicts leading to its breakdown. One simply failed to connect deeply on both a fetish and personal level. One connected nearly perfectly on a fetish level but failed on a personal level. My current relationship has a partial overlap in fetishes and several personality conflicts. Overall our true conflicts rarely arose from lack of overlap in the fetish department but those relationships also weren't bound by marriage, legal bondage, etc.

Thanks for sharing this. These all seem to fit the pattern...

Chastity Planet: The toy boy

She bought me presents, slipped me money, and I trailed after her around the shops, then later went to work with tongue and fingertip. Inside its cup, my lost penis went wild.

I am - was - a Free Neuter. We can come and go as we please, and even hold down a job. However, everybody assumes we're always in a horny daze, so mostly we get positions requiring eye candy only; receptionist, waiter, that kind of thing. The wages are poor, but the tips are good.

If you're lucky, you can pick up a rich "girlfriend", and that's what I did.

It went OK at first. She's was older than me, and not my type. But as the weeks turned to months, as her orgasms piled up, and mine receded into memory, I started wanting her.

Tonight was supposed to be our last night together. I had a flight in the morning.

What went wrong?

After I licked her off, I pleaded; "Let me use the prosthetic!"

She laughed. "What kind of girl do you think I am? You're leaving forever. "

So I gave myself to her. Extended my contract by another frustrating year and made myself her slave.

"That's sweet," she said. "Wake me when its time for the restaurant." And with that she drifted off to sleep.

Getting the femdom action and trappings and still being "authentic"

The best way to experience your femdom fantasy is to find a spot where your darkside overlaps hers. You're both acting spontaneously without a script, enjoying your roles for their own sake. Anything that happens is authentic, because it's what you'd both do if your roles were real. The relationship is a shadow one, but still an actual relationship.

The problem is, how do you get all the other stuff? The props, the clothes, the words, the punishments...?

Some of these aren't trivial. Perhaps they're what the fantasy is really about for you, or perhaps they're part of your way of coping with the inherent contradictions of asking another person to treat you evilly. You can't just discard them. However, anything that smacks of scripts or shopping lists bumps one or both of you out of role.

Some femdom intimacy dynamics lend themselves to all this. If she's engaged with you (EE and ED), then she wants to get into your head. Corsets and bondage follow naturally from this.

It's harder if she's disengaged (DE, DD). She's not supposed to care about what you're thinking or feeling, so why, e.g., should she dress in a certain way, or punish you more than is "necessary"?

Since it's the hardest, I'm going to take the Disengaged-Disengaged dynamic as an example.

She doesn't care what you think, just what you do. You're not expected to second guess her or try to get inside her head. You can just "relax" and follow instructions. Typically, you are slave and owner. Let's take that further and drop you into the world of Whips and Stockingtops – femdom flappers and chaste male slaves.

Think about the components of the W&ST fantasy that go beyond the power relationship and "DD" intimacy dynamic:
World: Clothes, attitude and the other trappings

If she's not wearing stockings, it's not Whips and Stockingtops! Other retro gear helps, as long as it's comfortable; silky slips and glamorous nightwear. A male chastity device is also mandatory. Any music should be classical or pre-war Jazz.

All this stuff is part of the fantasy world, but none of it follows from the power or intimacy dynamics. Your girlfriend might dress to please you, but your owner doesn't dress to please her slave. His penis is irrelevant, so why bother to cage it? (Similarly, your fantasy mistress might be a feast of leather and PVC, all hard to get into and not always comfortable.)

The only way to approach this is from the outside, as a prerequisite for crossing the border into the darkside. It's simply what people wear. The same goes for any etiquette or attitude.

Prioritise. Don't ask for too much at one go. Start with whatever's easiest and simplest for her. There's a good chance she'll find dressing up empowering or escapist – but you have to let her discover that for herself.

Drama: Action generated by testing or affirming the intimacy dynamic

Drama is the stuff of fantasy and erotic fiction. However, it's hard to get right in play.

Testing
If you start groaning because you're turned on, she'll beat you and tell you to shut up. This little drama plays out because you've tried to force her to engage with you, dragging the intimacy dynamic up into ED (see illustration). Inadvertently or not, you've "tested" her.

Testing is best done spontaneously, in role. There may be moments when you are bored or turned on or in some other unbearable state and you end up testing the boundaries – especially true if, unlike me, you are contrary or bratty.

There are, however, problems with testing. First and foremost, testing the intimacy dynamic also means testing the power dynamic. She may be sceptical of your ability to follow through with your fantasy, unsure of her power, or teetering on the brink of self consciousness. Or she may envisage her power as total, and find challenges to it irritating to the point where they bump her out of her role and back to lightside reality.

Secondly, when you test the intimacy dynamic, you may take her places that are not on her darkside map. Perhaps she can only treat you as a slave as long as she doesn't engage with you.

So, go carefully with testing. Treat her power over you as real. If you feel the need to consciously create drama, do so with care and sensitivity. Be aware of the difference between darkside anger and lightside irritation...

Affirmation
Sometimes she may violate the dynamic by teasing you until you're drooling and dripping, then setting you back to work. She's "affirmed" her position. (This is different from the teasing and denial you get in EE and ED since she's only interested in luring you out enough to push you back in.)

It's probably best to go along with any affirmation she initiates– try not to ham it up!

If it takes you to uncomfortable places, tell her much much later.

The one thing you have to watch out for is her dropping into scripted behaviour borrowed from some femdom stereotype or other. Later on, tell her that she really doesn't have to play act for you – you don't want a service top, you want a genuine mistress.


Punishment: Action resulting from the femdom relationship

She's the mistress, you're the slave. From time to time, she'll have good reason to punish you physically, or by humiliation or verbal abuse. In theory, this should be simple as long as you've agreed the mechanics, the limits and the safety – of course. However, it's more complicated than it seems.

NB: In a DD dynamic like W&ST, punishment should involve as little effort for her as possible. A demerit system or clicker counter can enable her to postpone punishment until it suits her.

Routine
You spill the wine, she makes you clear it up then beats you.

If this doesn't seem to be working, wait until later and explain that though punishment is a gratifying part of your fantasy, it's something you instinctively fear and avoid; she really can improve your servile performance by punishing you. Get her to treat all mistakes on your part in role, in return you promise never to deliberately seek punishment.

The big snag with this one is that you probably very rarely make mistakes. Increased strictness on her part can only go so far.

Sought (Don't do this!)
You deliberately trigger punishment by making mistakes. It seems like a great idea in theory. In practice it has two disadvantages. She may dislike being manipulated and fall out of role. Worse, every mistake you make will seem deliberate. If you wreck her carpet, she'll think you did it in the hope of getting a beating! End of femdom relationship...

Set up
If you're very lucky, she may enjoy setting you up to fail so she can then beat you. Enjoy!

Procedural
Punishments resulting from the rules of your particular darkside world. For example, it may be good slave keeping practice to prevent you getting uppity by beating you immediately after – or before – you've given oral service. In other words, you're trading lickings for beatings.

This is probably the best way to ensure that your sessions include some punishment. Make the rules as consistent with your roles as possible. Avoid straying into scripting. Accept that sometimes, she won't bother....


Summing up

"You can go to the ball!"

You can enjoy your fantasy action and trappings – within reason – in an authentic femdom shadow relationship, not by scripting, but by agreeing the culture and rules of your shared world.

Chayste at the wedding

It was one of those Scottish weddings where the girls kick off their elegant shoes and dance barefoot. Nobody asked me about my marriage prospects – the alien red gem growing out of my palm saw to that.

I don't know what's more embarrassing; when the thing's unlit, indicating that you've been a good boy and supplied lots of orgone energy for those little green men, or glowing hot-coal red, screaming out to the world that you've got no sex drive and that the crystal and groin-cup are about to drop off and fasten on some other poor sucker.

Actually, I do have a sex drive. However, up to that night, I'd been living like a monk – a Buddhist monk – doing yoga, meditating, working on maths puzzles... anything to take my mind of sex, to keep that chastity device loose around my lost penis.

I was doing so well, I could read at night by the light of the complaining gemstone. Another few days and I would get my genitals back.

But, when an old flame invites you to her wedding, it's hard to say no. And, what could go wrong? A load of old wrinklies prancing around in tartan?

Younger than me, just starting college. Long hair, bare feet and legs, and a stretchy black dress that clung to her hourglass figure as if it had been drawn on by a cartoonist.

There was no way I couldn't notice her, but I kept to the dances where you swapped partner with each verse, so between moments whirling her around on my arm and trying not to look at those smooth, curvy legs, I was spinning other people's grannies.

But then came the lady's choice and she pranced up to me and – with a sweet smile - offered her arm. As we danced, her breasts were always there, jostling my elbow, crushed into my chest, or just jouncing as she kicked and stepped and my chastity belt throbbed in time, not to the music, but to her flesh.

Somewhere, a flying saucer was feeding off my frustration, and then gem in my palm glowed slightly less.

We danced every dance until, around midnight, somebody called last orders at the bar. She beckoned me off through a side door. I followed, mesmerised by the swing of her hips, through the panelled corridors of the hotel, up a staircase lined with hunting pictures, and into her room.

I checked at the threshold, but she just stuck her tongue down my throat and shoved the door shut. Holding the kiss, she all but sucked me over to the bed.


Did she know I was chayste? Had she seen the gem?


She flopped back and a gentle shove pushed my head between her knees. Without a word, she swung those bare legs over my shoulders and parted her thighs so that the stretchy dress furled up onto her hips.


Yes. She knew.


There were no panties under there, just a forest of curls and wet lips. Penis prickling with the effort to fight its way erect, I dove between her soft thighs and licked like dog. Her clitoris rose beneath my tongue and I lapped faster and faster.

As the salty juices collected on my tongue, her thighs clamped against my ears and she began to pant.

Between my legs, a wet pressure built up as if could share her orgasm.

And then she pushed me away and wriggled up the bed.

I stood and my head whirled – all the blood was in my groin – and I scrabbled for something to say.

"You can go now," she said, her voice sweet and Scottish, and pulled up a pillow.

She didn't even look at me as I left the room, her taste still on my lips. If she had, she'd have seen the damp patch appear on my hired formal trousers.

As I walked out into the night, her only words to me echoed through my mind: "You can go now."

With each step into the darkness, the hardness in my groin returned, and the telltale gem glowed less faintly.

The Chastity Belt: Olivia

So, some of you would rather fancy ending up as Olivia's chaste lover.

Very much posh totty meets angry little rich girl, she wants to be wanted by men, but hates them for using her. In the Chastity Belt story, she sets out to make Mark's life a misery by prostituting him to her friends.

In a relationship, I think she'd be different. With you locked into a chastity belt, there'd be no chance of you using her, so she'd have nothing to get angry about. Instead, she'd open up and show her vulnerable side.

Expect lots of wild sex using the prosthetic, with cuddles afterwards.... her sweaty, dozy, body draped over yours while you lie there, your chastity belt throbbing like a second heart.

Maybe, once in a while, she turns on you. Even with the chastity belt, you're just another man, so she treats you with contempt, slaps you, beats you with the nearest object to hand, or even humiliates you in front of her friends. Later, she's tearfully sorry and you have awesome makeup sex, and that little edge of fear ensures that you never quite forget how beautiful and unattainable she is....