Most useful post on male chastity ever

http://secretchastityhusband.blogspot.com/2010/08/male-chastity-pleasure-and-devotion.html?showComment=1311670339491#c8961910318934017262

Ten tips for a chaste night of passion...

For chaystes like me, there's something wonderful about spending the night in chastity after an evening of chaste lovemaking or BDSM.

Of course, there's the masochistic thrill of the moment of lock-in, and every time I'm horribly turned on and realise that – yes, really – I won't be able to come tonight.

It's also nice to relax into the role knowing that there'll be no awkward anticlimax at the end of the evening, and that there's no vanilla pressure on either of you to unlock.

Most of all, though, it's a way of fully entering the chayste existence. If your chastity fantasies are about being chaste, rather than the keyholder power relationship, then their most natural expression is to be locked in with no immediate prospect of release.

Unfortunately, there are usually two snags: fitting the adventure into your mostly vanilla relationship; and overcoming the practical problems of sleeping in a chastity device.

5 RELATIONSHIP TIPS

Most women aren't actually obsessively kinky fetishists. Sorry.

Sure, they'll often have fun indulging our kinks because they like being sex goddesses, because being transgressive gives them a kick, or – best of all – because our kinks offer a natural expression for their vanilla sexuality. For example, if she enjoys flirting and sexual teasing, then a man in a chastity belt makes a great target. If she likes being pampered, then a slave or submissive lover could make her evening.

For these reasons, it's often quite easy to get a girlfriend or partner to play kinky games—but only up to a point. Games that are more trouble than they're worth, or violate her sense of self, or that threaten some unwanted relationship transformation, turn her off and make her look at you with suspicion.

So, unless you're with a true fetishist, if you want to spend the night in chastity, you have to approach your playmate sensitively and realistically....

1. Just an enhancement, not an extension into the night: If you haven't already done so, introduce chastity play first.
   
   If you already have chastity or BDSM play going, then make it clear that this is just icing on the cake, not a whole new dish, or a meal going on into the night for which she'll have to stay awake.
   
   Given the kinky blinkers most male fetishists wear, your partner probably half-suspects that this is the thin edge of the wedge.
   
   State your lack of expectations, and stick to them!
   
   
2. Benefits for her (and not your fantasy mistress): Give realistic reasons why she might enjoy, or at least be unaffected, by your chastity adventure.
   
   Unless she's a natural domme, most of these benefits are likely to be vanilla... perhaps there's a point in her hormone cycle when she enjoys stimulation, but not penetration... maybe after a massage and a really good seeing to, she's too sleepy to be interested in sex anyway... and if she wants penetration, a strap-on could supply that, with the possibility of variations in size and no more or less staying power than she wants.
   
   Make sure that any kinky benefits relate to her enjoyment of the evening session, not the rest of the night (when she will want to be asleep!). Perhaps it'll be fun playing with you knowing that you really won't be getting off, or maybe she enjoys teasing you. Maybe, up to this point, your play sessions have always had awkward endings because of your need to get off, and this is the fix...
   
   Except for the last point, don't suggest anything kinky which she hasn't already stated she enjoys. For example, it may be obvious to you that she enjoys being "mean", but she may not be comfortable admitting this!

3. Explicitly take responsibility: Give her the opportunity to enjoy your chastity, without fussing with the mechanics of your chastity device.
   
   Be able to truthfully say that you have all the practical problems ironed out ahead of time (see Practical Tips, below).
   
   Agree to leave the bed if your tossing and turning disturbs her. If possible, put the key out of reach (see Practical Tips #4) rather than turn her into a keyholder.... unless she insists on being one.
   
   State clearly that this is your fantasy and that if it doesn't work out, then that will be your problem, not hers.
   
   
4. Back to normal afterwards: If you've done your job properly, she's probably still sexually sated and therefore not in the mood to think about sex or kink. Unless she requests otherwise, in the morning, act normal, regardless of whether or not you are out of the belt.
   
   Unless she wants to discuss it, tell her "last night was brilliant" and leave it at that for now – this is not the time to give her any feedback, or plan marathons.
   
   If not, let her initiate any action, and don't rush back into kink space unless prompted by her.
   
   Be matter-of-fact but discrete about the practical aftermath. Clean the device and any toys, and put them away without making a fuss. If you have welts or chafing, pretend to ignore them around her.

5 PRACTICAL TIPS

Humans can adapt to all sorts of discomfort, but not right away, and not overnight! It's also true that with a BDSM fantasy, you're probably after a very particular sort of discomfort. If something practical goes wrong, it'll spoil your chastity adventure and possibly put her off the whole thing...

1. Snag thoroughly: Mild pinching and chafing won't feel nearly so "mild" after more than eight hours locked in.
   
   
2. Dry run: If possible, try sleeping on your own locked in, or at least wear the device for 6-8 hours during the day. That way, you'll be able to spot and fix any problems before the big night, and have some idea about how to get comfortable.
   
   Most importantly, make sure you can consistently answer the call of nature without making a mess or filling your chastity cup with piss!
   
   
3. Contingency plan: Have a way of concealing your locked up state should the outside world intrude, e.g. boxer shorts and loose trousers.
   
   Also, in extremis, know how you'd get out of the belt.
   
   
4. Put the key out of reach: The idea is to adjust to overnight chastity, not to spend eight hours revisiting the decision. Even if you have the willpower, your partner may start feeling guilty.
   
   So, put the key where you can't get at it until the morning. I use the timelock software, but you might want to leave the keys in your car, or the office, or post them to yourself.
   
   
5. Normal routine: Don't gild the lily! On the night, wear your usual pyjamas, have the usual supper or nightcap, go through the usual routine.
   
   The only thing that should be different is that you've got a chastity device around your cock.
   
   The other stuff can come later.

Above all else, be realistic!

If you remember that it takes more than a sex toy to change the way our bodies and our minds operate, then there's a good chance that even a very vanilla partner will enjoy her part in your fantasy...

What's in it for her? (continued): Dark Side Safari

Earlier, I asked "What's in it for her?" and got this anonymous reply:

For my Wife it means that all of my desire is kept intact waiting for her to use it. I can't steal it by masturbating and I certainly can't have an affair.
She now knows that after week of chastity I become needy and I dote and serve her like I am her servant. I also never talk back or raise my voice to her when she has me locked up.
I means she gets a perfect husband, or at least the ability to mold me into one.

Taking this at face value, the Mr Anonymous paints a picture of a very normal couple....

No, really, there is a lot that's normal about them: she worries about his fidelity... they both think of sexual energy as finite so have an issue with his masturbation... both have negative feelings about masculinity... and both feel she needs some extra leverage to make him behave attentively.

A lot of people are like this.

The normal thing would be for them to be dysfunctional. Their marriage should be a merry-go-round of trust and distrust, intimacy and frantic distancing, love and hostility. The options should be expensive therapy and/or even more expensive divorce.

Instead, they've addressed their issues directly and used a male chastity device to secure his mental and physical fidelity, and as leverage to resolve the conflict between his old-style machismo, and his urge to be a nurturing husband.

So, now - assuming the goalposts don't keep moving - they're not dysfunctional. But he wears a chastity belt. You can't even call it unhealthy, since they probably have a darn sight more intimacy than most couples. It's not even dark - it sounds positively fluffy.

Strange...

They've done what geeks call, "a hack" or perhaps "workaround". No need to tangle with complex emotions, just slap on this piece of hardware and all will be right.

As a lifestyle, this can't possible work unless both partners have very similar values and feelings about gender and relationships. (So don't try this at home...) But, perhaps it points to something less 24/7 that the rest of us can enjoy: experiencing erotic roles authentically and in earnest rather than in play.

Let's call it the Dark Side Safari.

According to Families and How to Survive Them, we tend to pair up with others who share similar issues by the very act of trying to avoid them. (How this is supposed to happen deserves a different blog entry.)

If you look around you, you'll see that relationships usually go either to the Light Side, where the couple resolve each other's issues, or to the Dark Side, where their matching fuckedupness locks them into a private couple hell.

Mrs and Mrs Anonymous are actually in their Light Side, but for most of the rest of us, that sort of power exchange belongs firmly in the Dark Side. (For myself, had I met somebody like Mrs Anonymous, I would have been sucked in, but would always have been yearning for something more... normal as a baseline for our relationship.)

I think the issues that lure our relationships to the Dark Side don't ever go away. Once in a while we give into the pull - admit defeat - and wallow in them. The safest - and healthiest - way to do this has to be through taking on BDSM roles.

So me, I have mixed feelings about masculinity, a nagging feeling that I am unlovable and incompetent at intimacy. Most of the time, real world experience renders these feelings irrelevant. But, when I take a Dark Side Safari into erotic slavery, I get a holiday from the (very) low level guerrilla war.... and it feels good.

As for what my other half gets - you'd have to ask her. Logically, though, there's lots of authentic benefits that a chaste lover can offer his belle. It all depends on the lady...

• Freedom from performance anxiety - she never knows whether or not he is hard.
• Freedom from penetration by penis - let's face it, chastity belt sex with a prosthetic is about as safe as you can get... it's also clean - nice, even - and not really "sex" (for those harbouring guilt).
• Freedom to indulge - there's no worry that he will run out of steam and lose interest.
• Freedom from being "used"or "giving in" - unless of course you get too clever about the whole thing.
• Freedom to be hostile - sex as a way to cause hurt is normally reserved for men.
  

Of course she also gives up things she likes about vanilla sex - mess penises squirting everywhere, the two-way intimacy of mutual pleasure, his vulnerability when he comes, and the immediate sense of giving sensually.

But then, this is the Dark Side, we'll be home safe in the morning.

What's in it for her?

Normal women enjoy relationships because they are relationships: two-way intimacy, with give and take and a sense of the other's personality. They like sex with men because they are men, with masculine traits and penises.

So why on earth would a woman want a slave, or a chaste lover?

The answer would be useful not just for selling the idea to our partners, but also because it will give us some idea of how to support the resulting action.