Four kinds of fetish...

My friend Furcissy makes a very interesting point:

For everyone that gets turned on by a scenario, a handful have a fetish for the activity and the majority have a fetish for the situation surrounding the activity. I think that many subs may feel like they have a larger kink-interest base than they really do because of this.

If you read the rest of his post, you'll find he means that the fetish can be for...

• ...the act or situation itself - let's call it a True Fetish.
  For example, I have a chastity fetish. I like being locked in my chastity belt (sort of). I also like being mildly whipped (sort of). Furcissy likes humiliated by being feminized (but hates it).
  
• ... the situation implied by the act - let's call this a Hazard Fetish.
  The fetish act that kicked off this line of thought was "being ignored". One several occasions, Furcissy spent several hours kneeling in a corner, and was most likely forgotten during this time. He came to the conclusion that it was nice if this was a possibility, but not if it were a main activity.
  I, like many others, crave roles in which a whipping is a constant hazard. I don't really enjoy the actual pain, but I do enjoy the sense of powerlessness, and the sense-enhancing fear implied by the possibility. Of course, I need to be whipped from time to time to make the thing real, but I wouldn't enjoy "games" in which all that happened was me getting flogged.

I'll add a third category; a fetish for...

• ...the sense of horror associated with an act or situation - call it the Horror Fetish (duh).
  This is all to do with using fear to heighten arousal, and very little to do with what you'd actually want to do in real life. The fantasy usually doesn't stretch much further than the act, or the moment of entering the situation. Into this bag go most castration and cuckolding fantasies.

It's very easy to get these mixed up.

True and Horror can look similar, because both can involve a lot of aversion. The only obvious difference is that the True focuses on the after, whereas Horror is all about lead up.

True and Hazard, meanwhile, are separated by degree. The problem is that fantasies tend to drift towards the intensities of Hazard at the expense of more livable True - e.g. it's easier to imagine being whipped until you bleed, rather than a quiet day as a slave.

Why does this matter? Because you need to be very careful what you wish for...

Getting the femdom action and trappings and still being "authentic"

The best way to experience your femdom fantasy is to find a spot where your darkside overlaps hers. You're both acting spontaneously without a script, enjoying your roles for their own sake. Anything that happens is authentic, because it's what you'd both do if your roles were real. The relationship is a shadow one, but still an actual relationship.

The problem is, how do you get all the other stuff? The props, the clothes, the words, the punishments...?

Some of these aren't trivial. Perhaps they're what the fantasy is really about for you, or perhaps they're part of your way of coping with the inherent contradictions of asking another person to treat you evilly. You can't just discard them. However, anything that smacks of scripts or shopping lists bumps one or both of you out of role.

Some femdom intimacy dynamics lend themselves to all this. If she's engaged with you (EE and ED), then she wants to get into your head. Corsets and bondage follow naturally from this.

It's harder if she's disengaged (DE, DD). She's not supposed to care about what you're thinking or feeling, so why, e.g., should she dress in a certain way, or punish you more than is "necessary"?

Since it's the hardest, I'm going to take the Disengaged-Disengaged dynamic as an example.

She doesn't care what you think, just what you do. You're not expected to second guess her or try to get inside her head. You can just "relax" and follow instructions. Typically, you are slave and owner. Let's take that further and drop you into the world of Whips and Stockingtops – femdom flappers and chaste male slaves.

Think about the components of the W&ST fantasy that go beyond the power relationship and "DD" intimacy dynamic:
World: Clothes, attitude and the other trappings

If she's not wearing stockings, it's not Whips and Stockingtops! Other retro gear helps, as long as it's comfortable; silky slips and glamorous nightwear. A male chastity device is also mandatory. Any music should be classical or pre-war Jazz.

All this stuff is part of the fantasy world, but none of it follows from the power or intimacy dynamics. Your girlfriend might dress to please you, but your owner doesn't dress to please her slave. His penis is irrelevant, so why bother to cage it? (Similarly, your fantasy mistress might be a feast of leather and PVC, all hard to get into and not always comfortable.)

The only way to approach this is from the outside, as a prerequisite for crossing the border into the darkside. It's simply what people wear. The same goes for any etiquette or attitude.

Prioritise. Don't ask for too much at one go. Start with whatever's easiest and simplest for her. There's a good chance she'll find dressing up empowering or escapist – but you have to let her discover that for herself.

Drama: Action generated by testing or affirming the intimacy dynamic

Drama is the stuff of fantasy and erotic fiction. However, it's hard to get right in play.

Testing
If you start groaning because you're turned on, she'll beat you and tell you to shut up. This little drama plays out because you've tried to force her to engage with you, dragging the intimacy dynamic up into ED (see illustration). Inadvertently or not, you've "tested" her.

Testing is best done spontaneously, in role. There may be moments when you are bored or turned on or in some other unbearable state and you end up testing the boundaries – especially true if, unlike me, you are contrary or bratty.

There are, however, problems with testing. First and foremost, testing the intimacy dynamic also means testing the power dynamic. She may be sceptical of your ability to follow through with your fantasy, unsure of her power, or teetering on the brink of self consciousness. Or she may envisage her power as total, and find challenges to it irritating to the point where they bump her out of her role and back to lightside reality.

Secondly, when you test the intimacy dynamic, you may take her places that are not on her darkside map. Perhaps she can only treat you as a slave as long as she doesn't engage with you.

So, go carefully with testing. Treat her power over you as real. If you feel the need to consciously create drama, do so with care and sensitivity. Be aware of the difference between darkside anger and lightside irritation...

Affirmation
Sometimes she may violate the dynamic by teasing you until you're drooling and dripping, then setting you back to work. She's "affirmed" her position. (This is different from the teasing and denial you get in EE and ED since she's only interested in luring you out enough to push you back in.)

It's probably best to go along with any affirmation she initiates– try not to ham it up!

If it takes you to uncomfortable places, tell her much much later.

The one thing you have to watch out for is her dropping into scripted behaviour borrowed from some femdom stereotype or other. Later on, tell her that she really doesn't have to play act for you – you don't want a service top, you want a genuine mistress.


Punishment: Action resulting from the femdom relationship

She's the mistress, you're the slave. From time to time, she'll have good reason to punish you physically, or by humiliation or verbal abuse. In theory, this should be simple as long as you've agreed the mechanics, the limits and the safety – of course. However, it's more complicated than it seems.

NB: In a DD dynamic like W&ST, punishment should involve as little effort for her as possible. A demerit system or clicker counter can enable her to postpone punishment until it suits her.

Routine
You spill the wine, she makes you clear it up then beats you.

If this doesn't seem to be working, wait until later and explain that though punishment is a gratifying part of your fantasy, it's something you instinctively fear and avoid; she really can improve your servile performance by punishing you. Get her to treat all mistakes on your part in role, in return you promise never to deliberately seek punishment.

The big snag with this one is that you probably very rarely make mistakes. Increased strictness on her part can only go so far.

Sought (Don't do this!)
You deliberately trigger punishment by making mistakes. It seems like a great idea in theory. In practice it has two disadvantages. She may dislike being manipulated and fall out of role. Worse, every mistake you make will seem deliberate. If you wreck her carpet, she'll think you did it in the hope of getting a beating! End of femdom relationship...

Set up
If you're very lucky, she may enjoy setting you up to fail so she can then beat you. Enjoy!

Procedural
Punishments resulting from the rules of your particular darkside world. For example, it may be good slave keeping practice to prevent you getting uppity by beating you immediately after – or before – you've given oral service. In other words, you're trading lickings for beatings.

This is probably the best way to ensure that your sessions include some punishment. Make the rules as consistent with your roles as possible. Avoid straying into scripting. Accept that sometimes, she won't bother....


Summing up

"You can go to the ball!"

You can enjoy your fantasy action and trappings – within reason – in an authentic femdom shadow relationship, not by scripting, but by agreeing the culture and rules of your shared world.

Does neuroscience explain the Paradoxes of Consent

It turns out that the brain has different centers for "wanting" and "liking".

We all know from experience that you can want something, but not like - as in enjoy - it, perhaps a new gadget, or a cheap bar of chocolate. You can also like something, perhaps getting very very drunk, but not really want to do it.

What's new is that this sort of ambivalence isn't you maturing, or failing to mature, or human weakness, or hypocrisy; it's actually just a normal interaction between two chunks of your brain, meaning it's not going to resolve itself very easily.

To me, this has stunning implications for masochism (in its broadest sense, covering all submissive proclivities).

First of all, it validates the idea of an authentic BDSM experience without adding layers of role play. I can genuinely want to be a mistreated slave, but genuinely not enjoy it. If you beat me, you are being genuinely cruel. If you are a sadist, then you can enjoy that experience with no self-deception. (I think it's more complicated than that, but that will require a different post.)

It also explains how this exquisite ambivalence can be so very stable; how we can fear the lash, and crave it, time and time again without learning one of the two logically possible lessons, either: "Shit! That's painful, I won't do that again!" or, "Actually, I rather like doing this."

This study suggests to me that erotic masochism is a lot simpler than it seemed: a masochist really does seek out unpleasant experiences, and the experiences really are unpleasant.

Update: Very illuminating thread here.

Sleeping Beauty: 1 The Dark Tower

Beauty's tower loomed against the sunset, a column of blackness against the swirling red clouds.

The Wanderer peered into the briars. There were skeletons amidst the tangle, some in crumbling armour, some still clutching rusted swords.
He shivered and wrapped his dreams around himself. It had cost him his name to come here. Now he would be the first to pass the test.

He touched the hedge and the thorns drew blood. The sudden pain brought the feeling back to his numb fingers. He watched the dripping wounds and finally understood what he must do.

Slowly, the Wanderer shucked off his coat and stripped. Naked as well as nameless now, he turned his back on his clothes, closed his eyes and stepped towards the hedge of thorns.
No pain. Nothing but the bare earth underfoot and the icy Autumn wind clawing at his puckering flesh as he passed through the hedge of briars.

When the earth gave way to scratchy heather, the Wanderer opened his eyes and stared up at the tower. She was so close now, he could almost hear her call. Surrender was the key.
Behind him the briars coiled and thrash, obliterating his path. But he did not look back. Half running, half scrambling, he struggled up the side of the hill, the dry heather scratching his bare feet and legs, drawing blood from his hands each time he fell.

At last he faced the familiar stone gryphon that guarded the gate to Beauty's castle. Despite the cold and pain, he smiled. This really was the place from dreams.

The Wanderer waited until all trace of the sun had gone and the courtyard was a black void, peopled by borrowed memories of strange pageantry and solemn processions.

Now it was time.

No longer cold, he stepped into the darkness. Instinct guided his feet to the doorway at the base of the tower. Inside, a spiral staircase went up, and down.

He chose down and plunged deep into the hill, feeling his way past entrances and landings until masonry gave way to damp bedrock and a faint glow registered on his light-starved retina.

A last turn of the stair and he stood blinking in a cavern illuminated by glowing five-pointed stars painted on its vault.

His eyes adjusted, and there she was, naked and snow-white on her plinth. He stumbled forward, his arousal growing. But when he reached her, he found nothing but marble effigy.

The unknown sculpture had captured her perfectly, down to the slight wrinkling around her eyes. "My God, you were beautiful!"

The unnatural stars twinkled, lending movement to Beauty's frozen limbs, but he was a thousand years too late. This was no lady to be rescued. This was a tomb.

But why depict her naked with her long legs tensely spread? And why such anatomical detail in the secret place between them?

Just as his erection became almost painful, his toes stubbed against something cold and hard – a heavy chain leading from the foot of her plinth to a bronze collar around the neck of a skeleton. Seamless bronze fetters enclosed the wrist and ankle bones, and a cup – some sort of codpiece – lay on its pelvis.

He squatted and pulled the collar free of the human remains. There was no lock, just two hairline cracks to show where the hinge and opening were. It was designed to be put on, but not removed.

Was the man a willing sacrifice following her to the afterlife, or another rescuer arrived too late? Either way, the Wanderer envied the man, dying at Beauty's feet.

The collar fell open. Perhaps she needed sacrifices, not suitors. He lifted it to his throat and snapped it shut.

The Wanderer had become a prisoner.